I grew up with the belief that my needs were not only selfish and inconveniencing but that capable people who had their shit together were inherently resourceful and self-fulfilling. So I had intense shame around basic needs and desires like wanting perfumes or a new bed, but I also felt that it was impossible to get what I need. I grew up with an intense scarcity mentality because my mother was always budgeting and saving and being economical. So I came to associate anxiety with my needs because that’d mean I had to go to the edge of lack which felt like death for some reason. It was easier to not open that box altogether so I would really minimize my needs and be indifferent about myself. When I was 12,13,14 I called it being a tomboy and not wanting all the fancy things girls experiment with. And when I was older I called it asceticism.
The irony is I’m writing this because I’m really hungry and I need to eat before my blood sugar plummets and I get severe anxiety because I don’t know what to eat so the only way to break the mental stalemate is to go deeper into this anxiety and open up the box.