Bullets from your past

It was easier to reject, blame and hate myself than to potentially have to face a reality and world where I’m not seen, where I don’t belong, where I’m not loved. At least by pointing out everything I did to deserve what happened gave me hope that if I could fix that I still had a chance at life and at belonging. That was easier for me, the child and adolescent me, to conceptualize and I’ve built my adult life around that vulnerable core. I’m protecting wounds that I believe aren’t wounds but simply an intrinsic part of me. So what do you do when you feel identified with the pain? You sure don’t want to face it because that’s death. If you wanna live you have to avoid yourself at all costs and keep focused on this makeshift existential bandaid you’ve built on top of your psyche. Out of feeling out of mind? Perhaps. But never out of heart. Never out of soul.

One response to Bullets from your past

  1. Thanks for sharing this 💙

    I found myself talking to my kids yesterday about the uncomfortable feelings we often feel near other people, including each other. I was saying how each personality is attached to some degree of fear, and you can feel how personalities have a repellent quality about them. They push back. But a tree doesn’t push back.

    I told them about how as we learn how to not push back, things get easier. I said how egos form in distraction so people are so caught in their own stories that they don’t feel what doesn’t feel good.

    And I realized that’s the challenge. How to be here, live, grow, feel, not shut each other down. To keep that feeling capacity wide open while still being able to function in a world that runs backwards. The only answer I find is to remember, remember, remember. To see what a distraction the surface of anything is, and to reach deeper.

    Liked by 1 person

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