Gargoyle

I have severe body dysmorphia. I feel absolutely horrendous and hideous and I’ve felt like that since I developed this at 13. It’s like how anorexics see themselves as fat even though they’re not, only I see myself as repulsive. I plan my life around being seen as little as possible. Dressing in plain and baggy clothes to be as inconspicuous as possible. Take less crowded roads. Go out in the evening. I’m convinced that when I walk outside to go to the local grocery store or whatever that everyone I meet on the street think the same way about me. I imagine strongly that there are people looking at me from the balconies or windows, being aghast with my hideousness. I imagine that the people who see me will keep thinking about me well after the brief moment because of how weird I am.

These thoughts pellet me viciously and drown me. I try my best to make ducaa in my head to distract me but it’s like having sharks circle the waters. My body nearly goes into lockdown mode and it’s bearable now because I’ve learnt to be compassionate and loving to myself so I won’t push it. But just a few years ago I had severe agoraphobia because of it. At one point I didn’t leave the house for 8 months. Not one day.

This is the first time I’ve written this much about it and I didn’t realize it was this bad..

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