I was watching something that triggered the biggest epiphany I’ve had in a while that I want to make people feel safe so that they have space to dream ✨
That’s my calling and what I really really really really love doing with all my heart. I love supporting and soothing people. That’s why I share my writing. And all of a sudden my life experiences make sense… surviving a wide spectrum of things has made it possible for me to empathize with different people going through different things. It’s like… my heart is a nexus that connects and supports a huge network of people who suffer silently or who feel unable to move past their trauma.
It’s painful and so heavy just thinking back on the timeline.. It wasn’t just about what happened but the intensity and impact of the experiences really felt like I was suffering to heal on behalf of many people. One of the most impactful intuitive downloads I had was back in 2007 when I was in the middle of what would later become complex ptsd and I was just 17. I had no context or understanding for what was happening nor was anyone else and I had tried my very best for a year and a half at that point, to no avail. I was on the brink of giving up all efforts, throwing in the towel when I got a strong voice in me that said hold on, Allaah is preparing you for something great. Many people are depending on you. And I saw a hill and on top of that hill was 2017. But it was all so incredibly fast that I didn’t analyze the specifics. I was just left with the emotional impact of that voice. Whenever I was giving up I’d remember that voice and I’d literally keep trying for the sake of humanity. I didn’t have enough will for myself but I was very sensitive and connected to others and it was easier to conjure will to live so that I can help people in a truly efficient way. I mean, since the age of 17-18 I’d play a counselor role of trying to understand people. I remember I’d analyze people in my diary, drawing up profiles of people in my life and trying to decipher my hunch or intuition. I was extremely curious and just open to absorb. I could be going through the worst, be suicidal and someone could just appear sad and I’d be like what’s wrong. Some of it was to escape my own pain and I struggled a lot with codependency, but the core of it was a genuine passion. I just thought that by focusing on others I could bypass my own shit which I dreaded like nobody’s binez. Of course, it took me too long to discover that that’s not how things go down smh.
Part of why I’d dread my own pain was that I didn’t have a single person who could understand me and support me the way I needed. I was that person to everyone else. So I had to pull myself up by the bootstraps and that meant teaching myself. I have probably spent the equivalent of THREE PhDs on self-discovery, and that’s no hyperbole! I had to if I wanted to live. I realized that if I didn’t find the will to live, I’d be consumed by the wounds and trauma. I was already beset by the physical and neurological damage from my suicide attempts so I knew what time it was. Allaah has been my teacher. That alone made everything worth it. I knew that actualizing my soul’s passion meant a lot of sacrifice and divine tests but that was the only worthwhile thing I could live for. Allaah.
It’s been so beautiful. Getting to know Allaah through my darkest and scariest moments has made my bond to Him be beyond my akhirah and my worship. He’s my lifeline. He’s saved me through countless miracles. I’ve seen things that no one can imagine and experienced things that no one can explain. My heart is beyond convinced. And that’s what made everything else pale in comparison. No amount of trauma can overcome yaqeen.