Nothing has ever weighed as heavy on me as having to accept what Allaah decreed my life to be.
I think this is because it forced me out of my complacency with the state of the world and my pain is a river that inevitably flows into the sea that is the collective unconscious of humanity. I could no longer be comfortably numb or hide behind illusions and fantasies. I had to go into hell to rescue my soul from the devil. I had to go into the belly of the beast, the eye of the storm, the apex of confusion to be released from all of that. To transcend it all I had to sacrifice everything that protected me from it. And the interval between letting go and seeing the truth of what I’ve been following intuitively feels like an eternity. Being suspended like that while the egregious thoughtforms and fear do their absolute best in trying to reel me back in feels like having my skin peeled off. Over and over and over again until I’d ask when will this be over? Will it ever be over?
أَمْ حَسِبْتُمْ أَن تَدْخُلُواْ الْجَنَّةَ وَلَمَّا يَأْتِكُم مَّثَلُ الَّذِينَ خَلَوْاْ مِن قَبْلِكُم مَّسَّتْهُمُ الْبَأْسَاء وَالضَّرَّاء وَزُلْزِلُواْ حَتَّى يَقُولَ الرَّسُولُ وَالَّذِينَ آمَنُواْ مَعَهُ مَتَى نَصْرُ اللّهِ أَلا إِنَّ نَصْرَ اللّهِ قَرِيبٌ
Or think you that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said, “When (will come) the Help of Allaah?” Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allaah is near!