I just realized that… I’ve been blaming myself for my trauma and depression, and everytime I’ve had an attack or breakdown I’d look for what I did wrong and I’d beat myself up about it. For instance, I have severe social anxiety and body dysmorphia and when I go out I imagine everyone sees me the way i see me; I project my self-hate on them. And when a situation makes me feel conspicuous, like I walk past someone in a wobbly and awkward manner or I’m out of breath and I imagine people sideeye me because they probably think it’s because I’m fat (which is true) ; I channel the feeling of helplessness and intense shame by going at myself in my head. I find blame for having done things that contributed to my appearance or not fitting in a certain look, and I resolve to fix it and really get rid of it so that I won’t ever have to feel those feelings again.
Up until today I didn’t have the capacity to delve deeper into the traumatic and damaging thoughts that’d get triggered and the only way I knew how to shut it off was to agree with it. I just swallowed the resistance, internalized it. I honestly don’t know how I’ve survived this long, given everything I’ve been through AND with my sanity AND my heart intact. That’s a miracle, in a literal sense. No way have I been carrying around this much conflict and ZERO love and still found hope and still kept an open heart and mind. That was all Allaah. And there are probably so many ways He sustains and nourishes me that I DON’T realize because of how constricting trauma and fear is. I realized that I couldn’t risk certain things like anything to do with my self-image or being because the trauma surrounding it was too much for me to open up to.
And I feel today I finally got past that. I was at a crossroad where I had a choice of going the shutdown route or to take a new path with the fear in pursuit of me. I went with my heart even when I didn’t know anything beyond the fear I’ve been subjected to all my life.
The first thing that happened was the unveiling of the dense barrier I’ve been hiding behind. I don’t know what happens next because this is undiscovered territory to me, but I will trust the One who kept me whole this long and taught me all that I know.