I just realized that I’ve been playing a game of the floor is lava my whole life where the lava is the unknown and therefore bad, and I’d seek out the good outside. This meant that the rule was everything was bad and destructive and that I had to hunt down what would save and protect me.
Problem is… the lava is within so that meant a perpetual flight from my soul which was the lava simply because I couldn’t control or predict it. The basic rule was danger and control was your fortress. You’d have to amass as much control and leverage possible to prevent being undone by life.
In other words, I thought the divine will was against me, though not consciously. Yishhh