I’ve been fighting for my life for 13 years. Got the wind knocked out of me and my soul got its life sucked out of it by this unnatural rush towards nowhere and restlessness that this society is built on. It feels like carbon monoxide poisoning, this relentless quest for belonging and glory. I once almost died from carbon monoxide poisoning and I didn’t even know it. I was warming myself over a clay stove with live charcoal burning, in a closed room. I started feeling what I thought was tiredness, and the feeling you get when you wake up from an afternoon nap and your head hurts and you’re parched and your mouth tastes metallic. I tried to stand up to go and I didn’t even know when I hit the ground. I wasn’t even connecting the dots. I just thought maybe it’s my blood sugar, maybe it’s because I haven’t slept. Migraine started setting in. I got back up and fell about 2-3 times before I thought ok, let me lie down. At this point it feels like when you’re trying to run in a dream ; like running underwater with lead in your legs. Things slowing down. My head feels like someone went at it with a hammer and a vengeance. Splitting migraine. Me, my brother and my aunt got affected and it was only in the evening when we all became better that it hit me that the stove was the culprit! And we were so close to death and we didn’t even know it because we didn’t connect the dots.
Fighting for my life has entailed connecting the dots and finding out what is draining my life force. Discovering that it’s inbuilt to the system and meant to dim people’s lights and life forces to make them more malleable didn’t exactly make my conundrum easier. I was up against so much but each time I wanted to give up I realized that giving up would literally kill me. The stakes were super high and it’s not humanly possible to survive what I did. That’s how I know I’m not self-powered. And as paradoxical as that sounds, it gives me security knowing that. Because I’m not here to fight. I’m here to flow and love and express and heal. That’s what comes natural to me. And perhaps that’s why Allaah chose this path for me because He knew I wasn’t going to fight His providence or will. He knew I’d suffer the question long enough to try to understand it before I’d dismiss it. I was born a healer but I had to be wounded to intimately learn about the healing process. And while it’s been long and arduous, I understand that countless others silently suffer and don’t have a reliable guide because most people haven’t gone to the core of the abyss, and suffered all the way through. Usually people offer shortcuts and bridges over the abyss, never through it. And though I never set out to be anything for anyone, I pray that others won’t have to suffer the confusion and resistance to this spiritual initiation. That there may be some semblance of divine order in the abyss would give so many the hope and strength to pull through. It’d be worth it if people understood the reason why so many of us suffer in our sick society.