I just realized that… I’ve spent a lifetime appeasing and negotiating people’s resistance to me because I didn’t think I could survive rejection. I’ve essentially identified with everything that people push against me in judgment and projection like someone siding with the bullies of their friend because they don’t want to be associated with being overpowered and humiliated. That’s me. I’m so afraid of being on the receiving end of humiliation and rejection that I beat myself up about everything that could attract mockery. As if I’m at fault for what emanates from people. But I did believe that it was a fact of life and frankly it was easier to go along with that than to accept my own reality even if others had a go at it. Why? Because I don’t know and can’t fathom how it feels to be loved. I can’t picture that reality because it’s never been a thing. I’m all wrinkled up from being folded and twisted to fit around whatever reality I found myself in. It’s just how I had to survive and so naturally, living without conflict entailed having to disarm people’s resistance and ego flare-ups.
Sometimes I don’t know if knowing these things makes me so much more messed up than most or just more aware of my mess. I’m learning to allow all emotions and finding tranquillity in not resisting myself.