Kryptonite

Nothing terrifies me as much as love does because I’ve never needed anything as much as I’ve needed to be loved and yet it’s that very need that has brought me the worst pain and sorrow. I don’t know if I deserve better than the bad things that happen or if I don’t deserve anything at all? I’m unable to conceptualize a baseline for my self-worth. My M. O. has been to internalize and identify with everything that happens because that’s the only rapport I’ve consistently gotten. My idea of life was that suffering and scarcity and fear is the basics and you just have to find ways to minimize or avoid that pain. To me suffering was the centre of the universe, it’s what I learnt to navigate by. So as far as being hurt or in need went, I knew not to expect anything. So to stay with people I had to pretend I wasn’t hurting. Otherwise I’d be left behind, abandoned and no one would notice my existence or absence. No one. It wasn’t a melancholic or sentimental thought, it was just a way of life. Some people are loved and needed, I wasn’t one of them. To me that was as objective as saying some countries never see snow and others do. I accepted it. I accepted and incorporated the absence of love, that is the intolerance of my being. I felt unwanted, cumbersome, a burden, unnecessary. Again, I accepted it as a fact of life. And to now after years of healing the effects of living life based on THAT and dismissing severe traumas and wounds because I didn’t have a concept of deserving empathy, having to stand for my life and affirm my right, my divine right for love, is insanely nerve-wracking. It hurts more than anything I’ve been through because now I have to rewind the tape and sit and feel through it. Decades worth of pretending I wasn’t bothered. I feel claustrophobic inside my own being but I’ve cleared away the psychic clutter and debris and wounds that I’d get lost in in order to avoid affirming my life, so now I don’t have anywhere to hide or run to. No unconscious wounds, no automated defense mechanisms, no shadow I haven’t dealt with. No corners, no darkness, no demons. And to me, nothing is as terrifying as this. To have to tackle the gist of life and take on the heaviness of these questions without a chance to throw it all away and self-sabotage. I can’t self-sabotage anymore.

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