I’m asked what it is that I do and I have nothing to answer with but hesitation and a defeated sigh from having failed at finding a dignified way to answer that question. Tired from the suspension I feel I have no choice but to fall back on projections and see myself through the eyes of those who seem to have their lives together, asking me about mine. Impaled on the judgments that I know so well because I believe them, I bleed out of the little hope I had. I don’t know what to do when I can’t prove that an acorn will become an oak tree.
This illness, this divine madness that has enveloped me, has stripped me of everything I used to hide behind by being and doing for others what they needed and desired. My shame comes from that. I used to believe that the only reason anyone would love me or like me is if I proved valuable or useful somehow. This existential depression gradually crept in and took over like weeds. People’s approval became their disappointment and disapproval. I was plunged in a shapeless, dark, bland twilight zone where I had no way of knowing of my existence but through feeling. I used to outsource that to basking in the glowing approvals and validation of those I’d be codependent on.
Suffering the formation of meaning under intense duress would have been unfathomable had I not had Allaah and known what I know of Him because literally, the path is formed as a wave-particle that collapses into its potential reality as a particle when observed. He’s the one who makes me observe and gives me the light to observe with and provides the slit to observe through. In other words, He creates the environment for that acorn and it’s not the end result that makes an oak tree what it is but the entire process that sets the seed in motion and agonizing restlessness. Thus, if it weren’t for the oak tree the acorn wouldn’t even exist. And were it not for my passionate spirit, I wouldn’t have this dilemma. So I guess I’m not observable by everyone and that’s ok. Whatever judgment they make is their prerogative and I’ve relied on it when I shouldn’t have and that’s what I’m being cleansed off right now. I understand it and I accept the consequences of throwing myself into an environment and condition I had no business being in but which I was attracted to through my self-delusion and greed. I see that. And I need to see that so that I remove the hooks that others judgments hang on. Without those hooks the judgments and projections have no way of getting to me.