Make me howl again

The dog downstairs has been howling all night and I have been very tense and anxious because of it. I don’t know why I’m like this. At one point, I even got dressed at 1 am to go to the neighbours and give them an earful for being so loud and not caring for the dog. But I decided against it when they stopped their clamour. When I woke for fajr it was still howling and I felt this knot in my throat and heaviness in my chest from the guilt of not being able to do anything. I made ducaa because its suffering was making me suffer because of my own helplessness. I tried to figure out why exactly I’m like this where I beat myself up about not setting aright what’s wrong when it’s brought to my attention. I feel like a punk. It’s so unnecessary and unfair on me. So I just made ducaa that Allaah alleviates its agony and I think it slept yall.. I have an issue with trusting Allaah. I really do. It’s like I just want to turn off the pain and become numb. I don’t want to know the lesson and alla that. I just want to skip past it because my sensitivity is too much. I’ve been like that all my life and I’ve grown sick of it. So I either try to fix everything I pick up on or I numb myself in self-loathing. It’s difficult for me to just be with my awareness without doing something about it because I’m so afraid that it’ll undo me or take me hostage and torture me endlessly where I will never get a moment’s respite.

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