Allaah left me to marinate in everything I’ve ever avoided and dissociated from, and I thought why lord, why did you forsake me? It took me a while to realize I was in the belly of the whale that swallowed me to save me from running from my redemption. He hadn’t forsaken me, I had forsaken Him by thinking I was alone in this fight. I had forsaken Allaah by thinking the darkness would swallow me whole, with no light coming out of it. I had forsaken Allaah by thinking He’d put me through misery as an end goal. I had forsaken Him by thinking He had co-signed the reality in which I was brutalized. I played myself by secretly thinking life was some sadistic game of survival. And for that I’ll spend the rest of my life repenting and trying to seek the best in this world, the beauty in this life that is representative of Him.
وَمَا قَدَرُوا اللَّهَ حَقَّ قَدْرِهِ
They underestimated Allaah