It was a test

My soul is non-verbal. There’s a point where words and concepts fade away and I have to tread purely on trust. I intercept and process what it’s telling me without first knowing where it’s leading me. Because by the time I’m done processing, I’m in a different space, a layer has been peeled back. It stings. I have to trust that initial fear and pain. It took me a long, long while to acclimatize myself to my soul. A lot of toe dipping, scurrying off, peeking behind the curtain, hiding, throwing rocks in defiance. Leave me alone! Its call to the void sounded ominous yet compelling, as if it was the Pied Piper himself. Nothing I feared more in my entire life than that strange portal in me. I had boogeyman living inside of me. I had to encounter the boogeymen and pied pipers and evil out in the world to know the contrast. To know that what’s inside, calling me, is what’s keeping me safe. I had to crawl back, burnt and damaged, to finally follow the call. I had no choice. It was my final hope. Thankfully, it’s where Allaah was leading me all along.

So I’ve learnt that I won’t be able to explain myself fully. Those who understand will understand to trust the strange parts and to honour where I lead to. And those who want to clutter my void because they are afraid of going into the unknown with me but don’t want me to leave them behind, they can fuck off. I’m not a tour guide or a translator. I sacrifice myself for that calling, so who are you to think that you can demand I sacrifice myself for your comfort zone? I don’t even afford myself that luxury. I have never and never will prefer my ego to my soul. So you can bruise it all you want with threats and guilt-tripping. That’s not what I answer to anymore.

3 responses to It was a test

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