It’s heartbreaking and heartwrenching to start to hope again for the things that you’ve always longed for but always left hurt and disappointed by. To rebuild the courage to turn the hope in the direction of Allaah, carefully scooping up the frail wishes nestled deep in my heart and give them a second chance by surrendering them to the care of Allaah, is terrifying. A lifelong buildup of fear, dread, dejection, self-hate is a valley of death and to cross it is like crossing the red sea. Only, Allaah can part that abyss, but first I have to remain in the liminal space between my worst fears and my hope. Just because something isn’t real doesn’t make the impact it has any less real. In fact, illusions are hyper real because everything depends on others believing they are real. The boogeyman is very real in a child’s mind, regardless of how much a parent may try to explain there’s nothing under the bed.
And the nature of illusions to take the form of whatever you hold dear is what makes it so difficult to break out of. You need a lot of faith to ground your heart and keep you from being sucked into the maelstrom of illusions and fears and worst case scenarios.
It’s not so much that we don’t know that these things aren’t real, we do. But when you’re in the eye of the storm, what you know isn’t accessible to you. Your mind isn’t helpful in the least. It’s good for managing life, but it’s as useless as a computer that is asked existential questions. Beyond words, beyond structure, beyond thought, beyond the realm of what’s known, only the heart can aid you. Because only the heart communicates with the only one who knows everything and is capable of everything : Allaah