Unsteady

Often before you can start to heal you go through a period of time where all your effort goes to ‘stopping the bleeding’ of your wound. You put all your life force into not being drained by this gaping hole in your psyche that trauma left. You have to keep things stable and still. You can’t afford the disintegration and uncertainty that healing entails. Not yet. And know that it’s important and that it’s like the paramedics trying to keep you alive until the doctors and nurses can tend to you. It’s not failure if it took you a long while to get to a point where you started opening up to your pain. Things couldn’t have gone any differently or faster without compromising your sanity and wellbeing. You have to grow into a place of healing because it can be brutal. It’s not about fixing pain or banishing darkness. You have to go deep into the darkness, deep into the pain to discover the hidden light lodged inside the experiences and your emotional body. It’s more of a rebirth through dying to everything you’re not. The healing is painful until the very last part where it’s not. Where you’re born anew.

So don’t beat yourself up about it. Most people never even get to a place where they want to acknowledge that they aren’t ok, or it’s simply too risky to open up to healing and the best they can do is shut down parts of themselves, living a diminished life. Most of our parents are like that. We aren’t meant to make them happy by living out their unfulfilled dreams, but to feel out their unhealed parts we inherited by being deprived of the love and light that is trapped in those sealed off parts of them. The parts that hurt us, that had us doubt ourselves. We do best by embodying what it means to heal and that there is a life beyond the disintegration, that the risks are well worth it.

If you’re in it, if you’re open to it, if you’re anxiously searching for it it’s because Allaah started you on this journey long before you were cognizant of what was happening. He’s the one who provided you with the ability to see through your fears, to know your deepest feelings even through the dense layers of doubt. So if you’re aware, it’s because what you’re aware of is ready to pop out. It’s done. You don’t need to do anything but stay present, just like you don’t need to do anything when you’re pregnant but just be pregnant. Allaah is breathing life and spirit into your life, and your heart is the womb of your soul.

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