To seek myself I have to seek the pain that obscures me, and that’s terrifying. Like having to walk in an eerie, remote forest at night, alone. I don’t know how much longer I can endure the tension of absolute fear blanketing the psychic landscape I’m exploring. I just want wholeness and home. I want to know that I can handle whatever can be lurking in the shadows. I’m walking unaccompanied in a wordless, dark place that I navigate only through subtle feelings. I’m effectively fumbling in the darkness of my soul, guided by the groans of pain. I’ve been translating this journey and chronicling it here on this blog, and after 4 years I have lots and lots of pieces and locations and phenomena, but I don’t know what binds it all. I’m still in the forest and I don’t know if it’s here I’ll spend the rest of my days. What is the purpose of this?
I ask Allaah, and the answer comes in the form of another insight, another intuitive download nudging me in yet another direction. How long will I have to receive spiritual morse codes? I have moments when I get catatonic with the things I see in my mind, and the intensity of what I absorb. I get paralyzed with the pain, drowning in it. I don’t know what that pain is. I’ve tried to study it, but usually all my energy goes to keeping my sanity stable. It’s incredibly draining and arduous. And what makes it all worse is that I don’t know what it all is. I can’t communicate it. I don’t know if there are others who go through whatever this is… Like birthing pieces of the future.
I feel frustrated because I feel alone in this. It’s been like this since I was 4. That’s when I got my first glimpse into this cosmic forest (well, it was outer space). 24 years later, and I’m still following the breadcrumbs. Where’s the bread and why am I so compelled at finding it?