Catatonia

To seek myself I have to seek the pain that obscures me, and that’s terrifying. Like having to walk in an eerie, remote forest at night, alone. I don’t know how much longer I can endure the tension of absolute fear blanketing the psychic landscape I’m exploring. I just want wholeness and home. I want to know that I can handle whatever can be lurking in the shadows. I’m walking unaccompanied in a wordless, dark place that I navigate only through subtle feelings. I’m effectively fumbling in the darkness of my soul, guided by the groans of pain. I’ve been translating this journey and chronicling it here on this blog, and after 4 years I have lots and lots of pieces and locations and phenomena, but I don’t know what binds it all. I’m still in the forest and I don’t know if it’s here I’ll spend the rest of my days. What is the purpose of this?

I ask Allaah, and the answer comes in the form of another insight, another intuitive download nudging me in yet another direction. How long will I have to receive spiritual morse codes? I have moments when I get catatonic with the things I see in my mind, and the intensity of what I absorb. I get paralyzed with the pain, drowning in it. I don’t know what that pain is. I’ve tried to study it, but usually all my energy goes to keeping my sanity stable. It’s incredibly draining and arduous. And what makes it all worse is that I don’t know what it all is. I can’t communicate it. I don’t know if there are others who go through whatever this is… Like birthing pieces of the future.

I feel frustrated because I feel alone in this. It’s been like this since I was 4. That’s when I got my first glimpse into this cosmic forest (well, it was outer space). 24 years later, and I’m still following the breadcrumbs. Where’s the bread and why am I so compelled at finding it?

6 responses to Catatonia

  1. What you’re talking about sounds to me like what I call “walking through the density.” Sometimes it has felt like the whole of life. At other times it has felt like an aspect of everyday life. Walking through the density to allow the clarity to come in.

    So why are we here? Lately it seems like it’s for the Big Show. What’s the Big Show? Oh goodness, I don’t even know anymore, but I know I’ll know when I need to know. I’ll just keep putting one foot in front of the other and remembering the one will that has always been benign and loving.

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    • Neosomaliana – Author

      Why is the density so dense? And is it fraught with the resistance and blocks of those who’ve ventured out into it but were destroyed by it? Like ghosts, but of trapped energy and unrealized resonance

      Liked by 1 person

      • My sense is that it’s the illusion, and there are aspects of the illusion we still cling to for safety or even for satisfaction. So it’s like knowing there’s something beyond the illusion and holding onto the illusion with all your might at the very same time. A very frustrating state of affairs, but I wake up every morning with the intention to see.

        The more I see, the more I’m able to release all that energy around me, all that energy connected to others. I can help others if they’re willing to be helped, so that part is encouraging.

        The more I realize that the lightness and ease is our true reality, the more it can show up for me within the illusion. And then I can share it.

        The hard part is always realizing it’s mine. It’s mine. It’s mine. I’m the one who is holding on. It really looks like it’s that guy over there, but when I release that perception, I have a chance of helping him, too.

        Such rough work at the core of it. But it gets easier. And then it gets harder. And then it gets easier. And then it gets harder. And then when I get used to that cycle I can make it through even that repetition, like a relentless drill going to the center where the only answer is.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Neosomaliana – Author

        Why does it seem like this illusion is the culmination of generation before us passing the buck? Why does it feel unfairly heavy?

        Liked by 1 person

      • The generation before us demonstrated certain beliefs, and we took them on as our own, especially if we were struggling overtly against them. We took on the energy of struggling within the illusion, and now we’re finding our way back to ease.

        Every time I feel any little bit of density, it seems to me a fragment of the more recent past, within this lifetime, when I picked up a piece of that accumulated dust left by generation after generation and made it part of my very own perceived separate self.

        The part that is important for me to remember is that I did it. I chose it because I thought it was the only safe way. To be small. To protect myself.

        In a way, we are cleaning out everything though ourselves, but it’s always connected in some way to a choice or judgment we made in the timeline. By letting it finally escape through us, we feel that whoosh of generations worth of tension.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Neosomaliana – Author

        Aha, so it’s kinda like nesting dolls. Wow. That’s.. Intense. Ancestral healing and clearing. Or perhaps, establishing new ancestral lines with a clean energy slate

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