I finally clocked what success means to me in regards to what I want to do in life : that my work be emotionally cathartic and healing for those it’s meant to reach and that it becomes a lasting source of clarity and stability.
I’ve spent years and years trying to figure out what this feeling of success I had in my soul was…Turns out it’s emotional fulfillment…
I decided to forego university, marriage, jobs because there was something specific my soul was vying for but I had to discover what it was by eliminating everything it wasn’t.
And so, after 12 years, a year left of my 20s,I come full circle.. Alxamdulillah. I’ve sacrificed and suffered a lot for a spiritual El Dorado. Every single thing I’ve learnt has been initiated by intuitive downloads or suffering.. It’s never been straightforward and it’s involved long, long periods of solitude. I think I’ve been alone more than I’ve been around people in these 12 years. I didn’t choose this, trust me. I’ve tried exiting many times, only to be met by worse fates outside this path Allaah has selected for me.
The path I’ve walked manifested from my heart. It didn’t exist before. So on top of being a lone wolf with no support system, I had to go up against my ruthlessly critical mind which is a scanner for inconsistencies and fallacies. Test, upon test upon test. I never thought I’d reach the other side. Ever. The only reason why I kept going is because it was the only alternative to suicide and because of my intuition. It was all based on faith, because I felt Allaah was sending me in a direction that I had no clue what it was or why I was meant to go there. Many a times it was a dead-end, because it was never about the destination but how a certain journey would shape me. It took me many years to figure that out! I’ve never been able to plan longterm. Everything is moment to moment..