Ya rabb, You’re the only reason I’m held together and I’m yet to disintegrate into infinitisimal particles, or blow my brains out from the extreme anxiety of having to find a needle of truth in a quantum haystack of boundless information bits. Even if I dissociate and attempt to escape my mind, I can’t escape this life inside me, this life that weighs so heavy with existential dread and expectation. Even if I try to discard what I am, clouds of misery withholding rains of meaning will follow me like the horizon, or I will follow it because my path is primordial and preordained.
If I were to unravel, like I’ve done in the past, none can make me ok again. At best I’d be in a merciful catatonic state, numbing the mind crushing pain, hoping death is dispatched sooner than later.
If I were to lose my bearing in this information apocalypse, none could help me find my inner compass. I’d either become driftwood, being carried by the momentum of the majority, or I’d become a deceptive snake, pretending to be guided.
Even my turning to You is divine inspiration and I’m overcome with how much I need You. I give up everything in me that would take me away from You and I seek refuge with You from my ego. I ask for Your love to soothe me and I beg that You keep me company, always. All of this is for nothing if I lose my soul signal. All of this turns into crushing pressure if You leave me to my own devices. Nothing is worth losing my connection to You for. I’ll give up family, friends, society. I’ll take to a remote mountain if so required. I’ve known enough suffering to know that the one thing I can’t survive without is Your watchful presence.