Insufficient worth to be worthwhile

On the days my depression is bad, I clean the house to feel safe. For others to be ok with me even when I’m not okay. For others to not think I’m lazy or selfish on the days when I need to rest the most. I can’t rest whilst feeling unsafe. I can’t rest in my resistance towards myself. My self-hate for being this way. If I was a phone I’d throw myself against the wall. Break myself for being broken. Standing out is the worst feeling ever and depression is like a car wreck on a super highway. It took 6 suicide attempts for me to begrudgingly learn to feel my feelings. Out of the 12 years, I’ve not actively fought myself for 4. By not fighting I mean the bare minimum of accepting that the depression is out of my control.

But I still fight myself by trying to redeem myself. By trying to grill my feelings to see if there’s any possibility I could do anything to make it less crippling. Anything I can do to fix it. I still find it nearly impossible to just accept my feelings unconditionally, without first trying to make them qualify the level of disability I feel.

Give me a reason, anything, as to why I can’t make it to my therapy session for the 4th week in a row. She’s going to be so disappointed in me. This whole week is going to be a self-loathing for not having gone. Exhibit 13 in the case against Mulki and why she’s a write-off.

3 responses to Insufficient worth to be worthwhile

  1. Going down into the depths and clearing it up from there. Walking through the depths and seeing and feeling the confusion most of us don’t even know that we use as a springboard. As if it’s nothing. But you know it’s fear. It’s really, really apparent. You couldn’t possibly miss that fact. And that’s where vision begins–with an acknowledgment of the collective dysfunction. We’re definitely all doing it together, and you’re examining the guts of it up close. Remember that you’re brave to reveal it. ❤️️

    And I’ll remember to do my part to release the fear from over here today. I know our dysfunction isn’t you, and I’ll do my part.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Neosomaliana – Author

      Collective dysfunction. Aha. I never quite thought that the collective would bleed into my experience like this but it’s only logical since I’m always tuned in to the collective unconscious anyway. I just assumed that I’m really really messed up. It felt like something that kept on going with no end in sight.
      Brave you say. I’ll take that today. I need it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The therapist isn’t disappointed in you, the thought that she is, is hi jacking a feeling that is expressing who you truly are in the midst of what you’re going through..and who you’re is the complete opposite of a write off.

    Who you are is someone going through a huge battle and in spite of it has a remarkable spirit that is reflecting back its will through the opposites of what grips it.

    The therapist knows her office is where you unwind to collect your self after the battle.

    You are in the battle when you are away. And that is important, more importantly you are winning.

    I feel a lot from the disappointment you feel towards yourself that says you are disappointing another.

    What I feel is the opposite of your will under the turbulence you are under.

    It’s like a flip what’s aiding the feeling is your truth in the opposite. Meaning what’s making you suffer isn’t your truth. What’s disappointing you is preserving it.

    Example you feel like shit because you didn’t go and feel she’s disappointed because of it.

    What that means is you feel like shit because you recognise an organic part of you that is being blocked.

    It’s like in the flip you are fighting for yourself. You ain’t ok with the block that’s why what you feel is showing me you are winning.

    I doubt I’m making sense but you know me!

    Liked by 1 person

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