A dormant presence

I’ve never processed how it feels to be emotionally neglected and abused and abandoned as a child, a teen and a young adult.

Things are coming full circle, as I’m exiting my 20s next year. Things I thought would disappear if they got resolved by others, are knocking on my heart. I asked for this. I asked to welcome all the homecoming chickens. I don’t want to be entangled forever with ghosts of my pasts that haunt me wherever I go, yet I’m totally powerless because I never stopped to feel that pain I wanted someone to love away.

I stubbornly rejected the truth that no one can love away a pain I refuse to feel. I didn’t think I could survive that kind of pain, because I’d disappear into thin air. I feel as if I’m held together by make-believe and wishful thinking and a reality that I tinkered with as a 4,5,6 year old, as if it were Play-doh or Legos.

I simply don’t know what to do in a world where I never was met. Will I be able to meet myself? To be actively present?

The only thing that gives me incentive to push forth is Allaah. I ask Him for existential fulfillment and to be there for me, where my parents absolutely failed.

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