My teen years + early 20s: a memoir

I DON’T BELIEVE IN MYSELF BECAUSE I’VE NEVER REALLY TAKEN THE TIME TO GET TO KNOW MYSELF BECAUSE I DISSOCIATE EVERY TIME I FEEL ANYTHING SO. I NEED YOU TO BELIEVE IN ME AND I’LL SPEND MY LIFE DEVOTED TO MEETING YOUR EXPECTATIONS TO GET ENOUGH VALIDATION TO FEND OFF THIS EXISTENTIAL ANXIETY THAT IS TEARING ME APART. AND IF I EVER FEAR NOT MEETING OTHERS EXPECTATIONS, I’LL GO ROUND AND ROUND IN A PANICKED FRENZY BECAUSE UNCERTAINTY + EXISTENTIAL ANXIETY IS A DEADLY CONCOCTION AND I DISSOCIATE BUT THEN THE PARAMETERS OF REALITY START TO DISSOLVE BECAUSE I WAS ONLY EVER GROUNDED BY BEING FOCUSED OUTWARDLY ON GOALS THAT DID NOTHING BUT APPEASE OTHERS EGOS SO THAT I COULD GET SOMEATHAT TRICKLE DOWN EGO JUICE. IF I START TO DOUBT MY ABILITY TO ACHIEVE THOSE GOALS, WHAT AM I? WHO AM I? WHY DO I EVEN LIVE IF I CAN’T EVEN PROVE MY INNER BULLY WRONG?

Hello suicidal ideations, my old friends

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