I don’t know how to be. I’m afraid I’ll spill over, melt into the fabric, fade away with the setting sun. I don’t trust my feelings. My mind is a TSA for vetting my feelings. Picking them apart, scanning, banning, dissecting, inspecting, detaining. I go through all of that yet not one panic attack has been prevented. I live in a state of perpetual amygdala hijacks and lockdowns. I’m terrorized by my own brain. It’s a cruel and dark place to be. But I don’t know if it’s because of my feelings or because I’m not allowed to feel without compulsive thought patterns breathing down my neurons.
Ocd or chaos, which came first?