There’s something deeply fulfilling in being able to sit in the twilight of my soul where the extremes of emotions meet, where what was once a cause of civil war becomes a peaceful vigil.
I feel like I’ve come full circle within me. I no longer run away from my darkness, seeking to chase the dawn because the darkness is not my enemy anymore. Just because I can’t control it doesn’t mean it’s nefarious. It’s in the realm of uncertainty and the unknown that the divine works. A divine I’ve been travelling towards for 5 years, meticulously restoring the templates distorted by my parents. I think kids see their parents as divine entities and if that perception isn’t challenged in adulthood it comes to represent God and the unknown.
I hold conversations with Allaah whenever I’m faced with the surge of something new within me, and instead of scrambling for defense, I can let go.
It’s allowed deeper parts of me to seep into my consciousness and come to light because I know that above all fear is Allaah. Beyond my control is Allaah.
I no longer am negotiating with my fears. I’m free because I’ve finally learnt to trust the One who created life and death, destruction and inspiration, darkness and light. It’s by His balance that all things are eternally in order. The unknown isn’t an empty void I have to be the guardian of in order to ensure the safety of the world. The unknown is a place of comfort where my hopes lie nestled when brutalized by a shallow world.
I’ve started to understand myself instead of listening for mistakes. I’ve started to study the shadow that I cast, and it’s no longer a lifeless silhouette. It represents my sleeping potential. Instead of viewing myself through the judging perspective of the outside world and measuring myself by outcome, I see myself as an expression of a sovereign being. My soul is not defined by right or wrong, just like there is no right way for bees to buzz or an ideal height of the oak tree. Nature just is. And the mind has no jurisdiction in trying to cut it down to fit in with a preset model of what should be.
The mind’s role is to be a keen observer of what the soul unfolds, not its dictator. And in finding my ties to the divine, I’ve overthrown that brutal regime.
Now all there is is an open field of potentiality and love and my work in creating meaning from what arises has just begun.