Who am I when I have nothing to look forward to?
Who am I in the depths of my being, which no one has experienced?
Who would I be to people if I didn’t make them feel good?
Who would I be if I spoke a language no one knew?
What if I saw things no one else had caught a glimpse of?
What if I were to be pulled by a strange force that addressed my heart alone – who would I then be?
If I were drowning in a river of imagination, would my death be real?
forget our conversations, the hours we spent laughing at the absurdity of this world, the long silences that weren’t awkward at all – would you recognize me by vibe? Because I do. I can actually remember my soul and yours standing next to each other in a life prior to this. I tried to forget you but my heart knew you before it even knew my own name. My name!
My love for you transcends time and space, and that explains why I’ve failed to shut the door on you. I’ve spent years travelling towards the horizon of your soul. I never thought I’d ever arrive, so distant and unfathomable was the connection. But it persisted and resisted my deviation, like the northern star.
And yet, I sailed away because I thought your soul had gone dim for me. I didn’t hear your echo, I didn’t see your reflection. I couldn’t endure the torment of the possibility that this secret I’ve carried in my heart for years would remain a secret. That’s too heavy a reality for me to endure. I’d rather make peace with the thought of never speaking to you again.
I’m usually good at disappearing and deadening the traces of others in my heart. But it seems like you came pre-installed. At this point, I’ve come to terms with spending the rest of my days alone because my heart does simply not have space for any other. I sleep with you on my mind, and I awake with you in my heart.
I write this more to myself, to come to terms with what I’ve tried deny and suppress for long. But I realized I couldn’t do that without suppressing a part of me. You’re forever ingrained in my soul and although I’m mortified at the thought of you ever coming across this, I can’t deny the truth. My truth.
So, I let go, of it all. What I am, whether you’ll ever return from that red planet of yours, what it all means. I let it go, flow, float into the ether.
May Allaah pull us back to our shared orbit. ❤️