permutation<s

I’m going through yet another dark night of the soul. It’s been happening for a month and a half now. Triggers and detachment followed by a mind numbing void. A nothingness. No sound. No emotion. Eerie.

 
I’m agitated because I feel uneasy when I can’t make sense of a situation. Like a sitting duck. I rotate through my go-to resources that usually give me some clarity to go on, but not this time.

 

It’s like I’m a ghost and nothing I do has an impact. I’m effectively locked inside myself, facing my inner world that I’ve managed to evade all my life. An inner world that has been filled to the brim with all kinds of unbridled chaos and suffering. In some ways, that was more comfortable than this void. I guess I’ve been so attached to suffering and wounds because it was something familiar that I had gotten used to and for which I knew the procedures​.

 
But this void represents death to me. It represents the fear I have of the outside world; the fear of trusting and then being betrayed with no shelter or escape route in sight.

 
I’m clogged. I can’t read, watch movies, nothing. It’s like I’m in a transparent cocoon.
I want to run but I’m stuck. I don’t know why I’m stuck. I don’t know how to get unstuck. I don’t know what I’m feeling. I don’t know and I don’t like the fact that I don’t know.

Learning to trust what isn’t yet.

Learning to trust what’s hidden.

Learning to trust that at the bottom of the ocean, inside hard shells lies pearls and my diving is not in vain.

My waiting is not in vain. I feel stuck because there are lessons too sublime to be taken in a hurry, on a whim.


وَمَن يَتَّقِ اللَّهَ يَجْعَل لَّهُ مَخْرَجًا وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ وَمَن يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُ إِنَّ اللَّهَ بَالِغُ أَمْرِهِ قَدْ جَعَلَ اللَّهُ لِكُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدْرًا‏


 

whosoever is conscious of Allaah He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty)
And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allaah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allaah will accomplish his purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things.}

[ at-Talaq 65:2-3 ]

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