I feel exposed by Ramadan. There’s a naked energy that envelopes one. No hiding places. I’m not fasting , due to medical reasons, but even so I can’t escape the intense energy that is causing repressed emotions to come up to the surface. As if gravity is no more.
I feel bad when I see everyone being joyous and congratulating each other on the advent of Ramadan because I don’t feel that at all.
But I recognize it’s a good thing, being faced with myself like this. Focus. It’s painful but I’ll be using this month to tread on painful ground. I’ll let it cut me, deep. Perhaps that’s the only way the pockets of buried trauma can find a release.
I’m afraid of being engulfed by these emotions, as if they are pissed for having been shoved aside for so long that they won’t let go of me, ever.
I’m afraid of being locked in a lifelong purgatory, inside my emotions.
I feel claustrophobic in my soul.
The first thing that happened to the prophet -peace be upon him- wasn’t that he was told about Allaah or what his mission was going to be. He was made to be vulnerable by being told the guidance he was searching for lay in the one thing he was unable of doing: reading.
He felt broken, hopeless, stuck. But, the purpose wasn’t to make him read. It was to eradicate the notion that ability depends on one’s competence. His certainty was knocked off because that’s an impediment to transformation. His mental map of reality was wiped clean. He was ousted from his comfort zone. He was thrown into the bottomless pit that is the unknown, head first.
He was torn up, for days. His wife, Khadija was his rock. She picked his spirits up and reassured him that this was a good thing. That he was a good soul who wouldn’t fare ill.
Allaah was effectively telling him; impossibility would be the creation of you, humans, thus possibility is only a matter of bringing something into existence. Trust Me, and I’ll bring miracles into existence through you.
× And they say: “When we are bones and fragments (destroyed), should we really be resurrected (to be) a new creation?”
See they not how Allâh originates creation, then repeats it. Verily, that is Easy for Allaah.
× Say (O Muhammad) “Be you stones or iron,”
× “Or some created thing that is yet greater (or harder) in your breasts (thoughts to be resurrected, even then you shall be resurrected)” Then, they will say: “Who shall bring us back (to life)?” Say: “He Who created you first!” Then, they will shake their heads at you and say: “When will that be ?” Say: “Perhaps it is near!”
co-creation: opening up to the unknown and letting Allaah work through you.
مَا أَصَابَ مِن مُّصِيبَةٍ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَلَا فِي أَنفُسِكُمْ إِلَّا فِي كِتَابٍ مِّن قَبْلِ أَن نَّبْرَأَهَا إِنَّ ذَلِكَ عَلَى اللَّهِ يَسِيرٌ
لِكَيْلَا تَأْسَوْا عَلَى مَا فَاتَكُمْ وَلَا تَفْرَحُوا بِمَا آتَاكُمْ وَاللَّهُ لَا يُحِبُّ كُلَّ مُخْتَالٍ فَخُورٍ
¤No calamity befalls on the earth or in yourselves but is inscribed in the Book of Decrees, before We bring it into existence. Verily, that is easy for Allaah.
¤In order that you may not be sad over matters that you fail to get, nor rejoice because of that which has been given to you. And Allaah likes not prideful boasters.
Al-Hadid [57: 22-23]
These verses mention three things: the events that occur, the goals we seek and our failures.So, nothing happens chaotically, it’s all measured. The unknown isn’t an enemy or a maelstrom of suffering.
If we fail to get what we aimed for, we shouldn’t beat ourselves up about it because it might be that our efforts culminated in something different from what we envisioned. We did our part, and the outcome was never ours to claim. If we get it, it’s a gift we’re grateful for. If not, it’s a sobering moment to think about all the other times things have manifested effortlessly that we’ve taken for granted?
and if we do get what we want, we shouldn’t feel entitled as if we achieved that by our own measures and therefore identify ourselves with outcomes. This would impede our growth, and it’s why sometimes we fail to achieve what we strive for; to detach us from a fixed mindset.
We’re being taught to surrender to the divine order, and trust that although we can’t avert pain or attain all that our heart desires, we’re well taken care of. The plans put in place are perfect. If they weren’t, it’d affect the rest of the universe since it’s all interconnected, and a change in one part has a ripple effect on everything else.