my lungs, my limbs, my head saturated with fumes from the pain
emotional flames billowing through to my consciousness
restrict my movement
just lie down, swim in this sea of fragmented memories
it’s like a place beyond time where my past and present and future meet
every emotion, every thought, every belief, every reaction that I’ve been evading for over two decades come rushing in
like desperate mothers fleeing war with their youngins
i look myself in the bathroom mirror, a zombie.yet for the first time I feel the pain but I’m not the pain.
there’s a door between me and the pain
maybe that’s why I’m reliving all these memories and horrors
I’m secure enough to not succumb to the ferocious currents
My soul is bottomless, so emotions keep pouring in
i’ve learnt that keeping them away is like trying to contain the monsoon season by holding a bucket to catch the raindrops
i realize God intended me to be a blank canvas, a wanderer without destination, a vessel through which magic manifests
So this is the first time I’ve finally made peace with not being able to be free of that creative vortex
I’ve had to mourn and make peace with all the dreams and goals I imagined
Everything I detached from refused to part without ripping off a piece of me
my ego left threadbare
peeled like an apple, like clementine, like everything delicate protected by a tough outer shell
these floods bursting through my unconscious have come to clean off all the traces of everything that died in me
and to water the soil of my soul
when you’re damn good at visualizing alternate realities to dissociate to, it’s difficult to just be, awaiting the worst case scenarios your imagination has cooked up.
when you have 8 lanes of thought traffic so that you won’t have to see what’s in your peripheral vision, it’s difficult to park to the side waiting for a tow truck to take you god knows where.
And truly, God knows where I’m headed. I didn’t realize how difficult it is for me to trust when I had to let go and trust in the unknown. I only discovered my inability to receive goodness when I asked and did not receive. I had a lot of pent-up anger towards God for putting me in situations that I felt I had no choice but to either suppress or avoid. It took me a couple of years to wade out in that scary place of exploring my relationship with Allaah. But because I was sincere in discovering the truth, I felt supported. I’d have ironic conversations with Him like “ I know I’m resisting becoming immersed in the religious/spiritual realm because of how I was burnt and shackled to people’s poor perception of who You are, and it’ll take me a while. But o Allaah, I ask you to keep me afloat until I reach the place where I’m able to sift through all those years’
and He did. Because I’m writing through one of my worst bouts of PTSD. Because I can feel a brighter future even as I’m not attaching myself to any desirable outcome. Because I can fathom an end to the pain. Because I’m marvelling at the beauty in pain. Because I have given up everything.EVERYTHING to live my truth, to make the most of my soul.
All because He didn’t give up on me even though I’ve been posed to jump the ship more hours than I’ve ever slept.