27 earth rotations ’round the sun
1989 December 1st 00:09, I arrived. And for some reason, birthdays have never been very significant to me. It was only with my 25th birthday that something changed – I started seeing myself as a worthy human being and instead of deeming myself as an epic failure and waste of space, I started celebrating . I started to celebrate the fact that I had survived my harsh self, that my hope and love had survived. I started to celebrate for all the birthdays I had spent mourning the fact that I couldn’t measure up to the image of perfection I was desperately gunning for.
And this birthday is different. For the first time in my life I feel whole. I feel like I have won a drawn-out war that has been raging for too long. A war that I lost many battles of. The war to reclaiming my emotional freedom, my innate right to exist, my worth. That’s why I want to take time to reflect over the things I’ve become and the lessons I’ve been a duly student of. Here are 27 of those, one for each earth year.
- Self-conformity: No matter the cost, I’ll dance to my own tune, walk my own path, make my own place in the world.
- Resilience: I have a very dark and self-destructive side to my creative gifts. Resilience has been like a guardian angel.
- Brutal honesty: Firstly with myself. I’m always scanning my mind for inconsistencies and self-deception. I comb through my thoughts for fallacies, like a monkey looking for lice on the head of a fellow monkey.
- Symbolism master: The most mundane fixture doesn’t escape my endless ruminations. Which is why I’m a late bloomer. I stop to smell and analyze every flower.
- Dancing with pain: I don’t escape it, for escaping it means I’d have to run into the arms of self-deception, a price far too steep.
- Enduring the void of not quite seeing what solid actions I should take. I haven’t embarked on any of the dozens of careers I’ve considered despite my being practically guaranteed success. Not because I’m scared, but because I need something that is capable of carrying the entirety of my soul.
- I don’t take my pain out on others: I put out the cigarettes of discomfort and unease on myself rather than use others as pawns for my escapism. It’s also why I have held off marrying for as long as I have.
- Unwavering optimism: I actually believe that I can bend the rules of quantum mechanics in favour of my intentions, given that they are pure and authentic.
- Ability to turn any misfortune or generally bleak situations into silver linings and extract the lemonade.
- Fierce free-spirit : My soul demands plenty of wiggle room and I’ll forsake the world to gain that.
- A wee bit eccentric. Ok, very eccentric.
- Logically spiritual. Spiritually logical? A balance between the known and unknown. A paradox of humility and pride; surrender and conquest; contentment and ambition.
- Integrity: I’ll die for my values before I’d become corrupted. I’d rather throw myself under the bus than remain unscathe if it’d mean I have to violate my values.
- Extreme empath: I feel the world’s pain as if it were my own, which has its perils. Actually, it’s entirely a peril but I don’t escape it. I imagine the world, the animals, the nature, the marginalized are in the same pain too, so what world would I live in if I ignored the pain? p.s. I’m an INFJ 🙂
- No malice in my heart. Not the slightest. Nada. I oust that shit faster than I can process it. I take responsibility for my shit, and move away from whatever gives me bad vibes.
- The bestest friend : I wish I had a friend like me. For real. I can brag because I worked really heard to become the best friend I used to wish I had ( I say used to because now I DO have them)
- Relentless courage: The balls..
- I QUIT social media! Oh wow, this one’s for the books. I feel clean, like I’ve detoxed. No facebook, no instagram, no snapchat. It’s been almost two months and I’m adamant I’m never ever ever going back. Just thinking about it makes me nauseous.
- Organizing and cleaning skills: Martha Stewart and Marie Kondo ( author of The Life-changing Magic of Tidying Up) aint got shit on me. OK, that’s the hyperbole of the century, but I’m a serious contender. I clean like I’m on stereoids. And my OCD makes me organize shit like a game of Tetris. I get a cleaner’s high, no lie.
- I don’t take myself seriously. At all. I’ll cut a bitch for disrespecting me, but only because of principles. But I don’t put stock in my identity. I just focus on living.
- I spit fire in 5 languages. 3 of which I learnt in the span of 6 years.
- I’m a master mentalist and extremely intuitive. I sniff intentions and thoughts out like a psychic.
- I wrote two novellas when I was 12 and 14 for a writing competition. Didn’t win, but given that I lost to a 30 year old dude, I’m very proud for gunning for the competition.
- Egypt: Dropped everything and moved to Egypt on my own when I was 21. The most transformative experience, albeit the most painful.
- Taking my sweet time healing: Something I’m grateful for and reflect over daily. I’m incredibly humbled by the fact that I didn’t bury my pain nor was I buried by it. I know it’s rare to get out and actually revisit the pain once more in order to heal. And that’s why my last point is
- Passion for connecting with and empowering the underdogs: I’m an underdog, and so is everyone who isn’t a corporate shill or a sociopath. I’ve decided long ago to devote my life to making sure that I do something constructive about the pain that I inhale from our polluted emotional atmosphere. I believe I got to this lucid point not because I’m special in some regards but because I have a huge task. And when I say empower, I don’t mean motivate. I mean connecting with people through empathy and show them that they do have a choice,that the pain isn’t some tsunami that ripples through you but that it is a friend. I want people to reclaim their powers they’ve vested in corporations and consumerist overlords. I want to teach people how to face their fears and shadows. Not fix them, just face them. Once someone has done that, they won’t be needing motivation because the solution will automatically unravel.
- Emotional wanderlust: I follow my intuition into the most disturbing storms and darkest valleys in my psyche. But that’s where I find the most breathtaking serendipity that I could not possibly imagine beforehand. I’m always bracing myself for the release of a hot tsunami of triggering memories or working up the courage to tell people off.
*I started writing this post 30th of November but I had to look for the baby pictures and actually think about what I like about myself. My inner critic wouldn’t have me do that without a shitstorm. It took me a week but you shoulda seen how I annihilated the other guy!