I keep my load light on my journey to my Lord.
I cut to the chase, strip off the excess, boil it down. The truth is always horizontal, never vertical.
I’m a soldier of Allaah’s. And I’m at war with myself. Or rather, I’m warring against everything that doesn’t belong in me. Things that have morphed into my being, attached at the core. The pain of ripping it off is inexplicable.
It feels like death, on some levels. You just have to close your eyes, brace yourself, breathe deeply and let yourself be run over by the freight of fear. Choo choo choo
I always ask Allaah,
‘ what now? Where should I go?’
After a moment, I feel a light thud in my gut.
” You’ve got (1) intuitive message”
Sigh. I feel the rush of having found something to sink my teeth into. But my gut faintly flexes because I know that with each mission…a part of me has to die. Gulp.
I’m often called to uncomfortable territories, and if it weren’t for my reliance on Allaah that transcends my fear, man… I don’t know.
I often, like 95% of the time, find myself in agitating, embarrassing, weird, confrontational situations. Situations where people look at me like.. is she crazy? Like, actually insane? And I don’t blame them because in that moment before the meaning of it all unfolds and we all go ‘ ahaaaaaaaa nooow we get it’
I doubt myself.
But like Ibraahim calayhissalaam was commanded to leave his wife and infant son in the middle of nowhere, whilst he probably thought they’d perish, Allaah’s wisdom prevails. And like Maryam calayhassalaam was told to go back to her people after she had given birth to Ciisa calayhissalaam, and she probably thought she’d be ostracized or worse, Allaah’s promise is never broken.
And while I’m not comparing the calls of my soul to waxyi, I do know that these calls are divine in nature. And I know that the divine can’t be deciphered except in silence and seclusion. Not a physical seclusion, necessarily, but a mental one where one has to close the door on the world, and just observe it through the window.
The burning bush.
The Mount of Tur
The cave of Hiraa
The mihraab of Zakariya
The belly of the whale
The prison in Egypt
A soul must be light in order to bear the uphill climb. And it must be spacious in order to house new truths. And it must be humble in order to take L’s . Cuz you know what?
The biggest winner in the hereafter is the one who has let go of the most in this life.
رَضُوا بِأَن يَكُونُوا مَعَ الْخَوَالِفِ وَطُبِعَ عَلَىٰ قُلُوبِهِمْ فَهُمْ لَا يَفْقَهُونَ
“They are content to be with those who sit behind . Their hearts are sealed up (from all kinds of goodness and right guidance), so they understand not.”