a loving re:minder 

​People don’t have to get your struggle for you to fully heal. Only you can fully experience and know what it is you’re feeling and struggling with. Whilst it’s human to want to be acknowledged and want to be understood, don’t undermine your strength and worth by making your journey (or parts of it)  dependent on others. People don’t have to approve or validate what you do, and most probably won’t. Because they aren’t your parents, and you’re not a small child no more. I don’t say this in a harsh manner where I’m berating you for feeling what you are feeling. I don’t believe in invalidating others experiences, in whatever form. But I want to make a distinction between allowing yourself to feel whatever range of emotions that come up – be it rage, envy, sadness, embarrassment. And identifying yourself with that stream of pain that is being released from your subconscious or body ( because a lot of emotional pain embeds itself in the body and often manifests itself in the form of some illness or ache), to the point where you feel helpless. 
When you feel that you need others to hear you or understand you or validate you – you’re implying that you feel less than. You’re saying about yourself, to yourself: “I’m weak and I can’t handle shit. I’m a failure and I can’t trust my intuition or thoughts. I need others to give me the green light before I can feel ok.”
And this becomes really problematic, not only for you but for those who might be pressured with such a mammoth task ( one you yourself gave up on). Pain is subjective and can’t be quantified. You’re the only one who experience what you are, and the only person who can truly understand your struggle. Pain isn’t some random affliction; it’s a most intimate one. It’s a soul and mind state of emergency because you’ve lost yourself in the outer world and forgotten about your inner. The pain is just an alarm, like a smoke signal to draw your attention to the real problem. Being hung up on the superficiality of who will validate you or who misunderstood you is like complaining about the loud noise  the smoke signal makes while your house is burning down with you in it!
I feel many people get stuck at the initial stage of facing and accepting the pain. They, including me, get so caught up in the causation and who did what, and neglect the responsibility they have towards themselves. Being a victim where you absolve yourself of responsibility might allow you to curl up like a ball and just sleep your life away, but it also robs you of your sense of aliveness.  
I’m not saying that you can’t feel helpless or like a victim. You absolutely can. But at the same time, keep in mind that after you’ve released what you need to release and after you’ve mourned and grieved – the journey continues.
When you don’t scapegoat others, you get to own your narrative. You get to decide what the new chapters are going to be about and most importantly, you’ll be emancipated from your past.

Respond to a loving re:minder 

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