Being true to yourself is high maintenance yo.
Recently a childhood friend ( let’s call her A) who ghosted on me for a few years came back. I wasn’t having it at first, because once I let people go there’s no turning back. But she apologized profusely, citing personal difficulties that I knew about before her ghosting. And she put no pressure on me being cool with her, so I figured what the heck. So we talk a couple of times, catch up. She casually asks me about a mutual childhood friend ( B) . Dunno, I reply. We hung out once but then she (B) ghosted too, I tell her.
(mad people ghost on me. I’m still tryna figure out what’s the deal about me.anyhoo, i digress)
She’s tryna look B up, reconnect with her.
Oh shit. Gulp. I remember something. I’m in deep shit. What ha-haappened wuuuuz. . A had told me something real dramatic years ago, so when me and A had fallen out, me and B started hanging out ( the two events aren’t connected).
I have this thing where I have to confirm shit, esp if they are quite serious ( which A’s allegation was). So I did something I rarely do, I told B what A told me…She obviously lost her shit and said it’s all lies. This was a year ago.
So back to me and A. When she started asking me about B’s contact, I froze. I could see where things could potentially go. B is obviously pissed with A, A has no idea. And it’s all my fault. Why oh why oh why…karma. what do I do. How do I stop this impending train crash?
I’ve always been a chronic truth teller, even as a kid. Not because of some saintly reason, but lying was always so complicated and time consuming. It was easier to stay outta trouble and when I do shit, I’d just confess and brace myself for the repercussions.
So I wasn’t about to orchestrate some sleight of hand typa mind games to dissuade A from getting to B.
Next convo goes something like this
A: So I found B on fb and sent her a message. Hope she sees it.
Me: . Yeaah… about that.. hehe . you might be the last person she’d wanna see hehe * nervous laughter*
A: huh? what? Why??
*I feel like I’m standing before a black hole. it’s too late to turn around. i did NOT plan to drop the bomb impromptu, just happened*
Me: *sigh* well, eh, heh, you know, heh. What ha-haappened wuuuuz..heh. i kinda told her what you told me 4 years ago
* when I’m put on the spot I’m blunt af*
* I’m not feeling anything by now, mute, numb, like people who are bitten by a shark report not feeling anything at first*
Me: yeah. that happened. thought to give you a head’s up.
A: I can’t BELIEVE you!! I would never tell anyone what someone else told me in confidence, even if we fell out! Wow! Thanks for letting me know that I can’t trust you.
* She’s PISSED*
My ego rears its head. I feel a pang of defensiveness for having her insinuate I’m not trustworthy. But somehow, I let go of my ego, and let her justified anger crash into me. I deserve this. I do. It was a hiccup. It’s in the past. I don’t want it to follow me around all my life. This is me executing, grieving and burying a part of me. Not about what I had told B, but letting my guard down completely to see this person in their entirety. See and feel things from their perspective. This has nothing to do with me, I remind myself. I screwed up and she’s justified to her anger. What I said next baffled me and it’s one of those speeches I’ll remember before I die. It was a milestone for me.
Me: listen. When I told B, it wasn’t out of maliciousness towards you. But I’m not here to defend myself. Whatever my intentions were, they were wrong. For that I’m truly sorry. I fucked up. I’m not that gossipy type. Don’t be suspecting that I’ve leaked more shit about your personal life. If I was that person I wouldn’t have come clean. But I did it because I didn’t want B to drop the bomb on you, unawares. You deserve that much from me. For me to tell you that I fucked up. And listen, listen, lemme finish. I wanted to give you full disclosure so that you can take a decision of how you want to move from now on. You’re fully entitled to react however you feel. If you don’t want to tell me anything from now on, I’ll respect that. If you want to cut the ties, I’ll respect that.
I just need to be 100% transparent, and that includes me telling you difficult truths like that. I was wrong, I’m not even gonna defend that.
I could sense the anger and negative energy that permeated our convo dissipate. Like opening a window in a room full of smoke.
She forgave me, and I know it was a genuine forgiveness because I could sense by her energy and vibe, even over the phone. We were cool, and spoke a couple of times after that.
It wasn’t black hole. It was a worm hole. That convo had the potential to be a black hole that could shred me to pieces or lock me in for eternity. But instead it was a worm hole and I made it, I fucking made it through to the other side. To a whole nother realm.
I’ve been at countless such cross roads before where I’ve had to make a choice between protecting my ego and making a leap. But I can’t recall me doing someone wrong in this seriousness. I’ve lived life always forecasting potential bumps and road blocks. This shit caught me unawares. Threw all my contingencies out the window and brought me face to face with the reason I’m so reclusive ; having people pissed with me and not shirking away in aversion nor trying to shut them up. That was a quantum leap for me. I inherited the strength from the difficulty of that leap. A leap that could have buried me deeper into my ego had Allaah not opened my heart to break open. Defining moments are always very brief. All praise and gratitude and awe is due to Allaah for teaching me this. I’m infinitely grateful, and now I pay this forward.
Infer from this what you may.
“The best political, social, and spiritual work we can do is to withdraw the projection of our shadow onto others.”
— C.G. Jung