I’m a maze, a mix, a mess of an enigma.
I enjoy watching people frantically try to get through to me, to see me, to get close to me — in vain.
I live in an invisible ivory tower, and the only time I’m seen is when I choose to be seen.
It sounds braggadocious. I don’t enjoy it. But it keeps me safe.
The tiny nook I occupy in this world have been repeatedly destroyed, lit on fire, decimated, levelled with the ground.
I’ve had to be my own firefighter, ER doctor, therapist, architect (to create the blueprint of a new corner), builder, decorater —
And it’d only be a matter of time before a sadistic evil person would bring down the roof and crush me with the pain they were too cowardly to deal with themselves.
I have an intricate understanding of the human psyche. I know what everyone’s thinking, why they are thinking that way. I know the end destination before they even set a foot on the road. I know what they’ll say by a quick glance at their face.
I maneuver around people like chess. I’m an emotional black hole who consumes all negativity around me.
That’s another reason why I stay away from people. I can see into their soul and feel their pain. I feel it as if it were mine, and because I have a high emotional pain threshold, I take on their pain and attempt to fix their broken edges that cause them harm.
I use my intellect as a shield. I know something about everything because knowledge is my exoskeleton. It’s a diversion tactic.
Instead of being seen, really seen, I reroute the person like a Wikipedia page. I can say ‘ hey, look! what’s that?” and slink away from being present with the person.
I’m an expert listener. I know how to really listen, follow the numerous threads of a story and in the end the person goes away with an impression that I’ve opened up to them, that they know me. But that’s just because I make people feel very comfortable, because I’m trustworthy, I mean, it’s not a ploy or anything. But people can go for years without getting a single answer out of me because I flip the question on them without them noticing what I did.
A verbal magic trick.
I see people getting lost in the maze below, I see them come and go. I deter them by being crude. Life gets very lonely up in this tower though.
With its cold, grey, sterile walls and bare concrete floor. Yes, I’m safe now, from being hurt and all.
But feeling pain was the only way I used to feel alive.