A lot of my anxiety and existential depression comes from trying to fit into a world that is as real as a narcissist’s persona and as deep as an instagram model’s selfie caption. It’s an illusion and a shadow cast by fears of being rejected for one’s true self. It’s a remnant of an afternoon musing in a child’s mind.
Maybe my mental disorders is a reflection of this world’s disorder? Perhaps my maladaptation is my soul shunning the chaos of this world? Perhaps my mind is protecting the seeds of a new world from being contaminated by the status quo?
I want to create my own world. I will wear my heart on my sleeve, be up all night, idealism will be my reality. I won’t tolerate manipulation, inauthenticity, or injustice. I want a job where I actually thrive and grow, with people who are as vulnerable and authentic in their fervour as I am. I want to live in a cosy home near nature and far away from commotion. I want enduring leather boots and a fly car that’ll be with me for at least a decade. I want the most from a minimalistic lifestyle, and expend the rest of my energy into realizing my passions. I want to create a social innovation company to come up with solutions to social problems. I want to be a social entrepreneur, philanthropist, activist, advocate.
I want my dreams to give a different hue to this grey world, however minute that hue. Or else what is suffering worth if not to connect one’s heart to the collective heart of humanity, and feel the beats and murmurs as one’s own?
The thing is to understand myself: the thing is to find a truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die. That is what I now recognize as the most important thing.
― Søren Kierkegaard
Is the system going to flatten you out and deny you your humanity, or are you going to be able to make use of the system to the attainment of human purposes?
― Joseph Campbell