Dug up an old blog post from the first blog I created eons ago, and although I was 19, it feels like lifetimes ago. It was in the midst of my trying to discover myself and make sense of my intense emotions. I was going through a very turbulent existential depression that reigned strong for a decade. I fall prey to it occasionally when I’m under extreme stress, but I’m mostly able to answer the countless questions my mind conjures day in and day out.
Sunday, January 4th, 2009
I have been in Kenya for over three years now.It wasn’t the first time,I’ve come on vacation several times,but settling here didn’t just mean racing to find the biggest room with the best view in the house.It didn’t just mean unpacking and making myself at home,trying to get used to sleeping alone with an intense fear of darkness.It meant settling my mind aswell.It meant stretching my world to fit this.It meant readjusting my life as I knew it in Sweden,and fit in.
But three years down the road,i still seem to be jet lagged.I still haven’t unpacked my mind.
The first months were ok.It wasn’t too bad living in a mansion.Or having a 30 degree celsius weather in December.But something felt empty.Like a vacuum.I tried shrugging it off,like an annoying mosquito.I didn’t understand what my mind was saying.I didn’t understand that my mind could say anything.But oh yeah,it did.It said it out loud.And everyone heard it crystal clear.Everyone but me.
I couldn’t cope with being in a foreign country.I went to school and couldn’t cope with not being the brightest student in the class no more.I became apathetic,frustrated,alternated between extremes.My mind was sending me a signal that I never picked up.I didn’t care about school any longer or anything else for that matter.I didn’t know what was happening.It was like a was an observer to my life.Mute and mutated.
So I wonder,could it ever be prevented?Or did I need to be a 16 year old psychologist to understand it?What evolved after that was extremely extremely traumatizing.That remains my trauma.At least until i can put it behind me.
So i dropped out,for about 2.5 years and would jump at the sound of ‘school’.I couldn’t manage opening a book without breaking down.I found myself more than ever slipping back to the time before.When i had planned my life into the minute.When i had top grades with no one challenging me.I found myself being more in the past than the present.
To rub salt in my wound,my classmates,whom i thought never could beat me,graduated from high school and my chief rival went to medschool.I feel terrible,utterly sodding completely terrible.It’s like a half step forward a mile back.I did go back,in February last year.I dropped out after 3 months because it kept coming back.My Post traumatic stress.My parents are equally frustrated,not knowing what to do.They can’t just stand there,watch while i destroy my life.Or rather,my mind destroys my life.In November again,i went back.I think between November and now I’ve skived more than i have actually attended a class.It’s breaking down again.My mind is destroying me for not picking up signals.For not listening.But to what???It’s so complicated,i know…