People don’t judge others by their words or behaviour. They judge by the energy and intention that carries the person; that’s how like attract like. If authenticity and transparency is what drives someone in their expression, then authentic people would gravitate towards that; conversely, if someone is masking their true self by deception and haughtiness, others who don similar masks flock to that person. Perhaps that doesn’t come as a surprise, but what might surprise you is that it’s usually the same quality that divides people’s opinions of one. Take Russell Brand for example; he’s a controversial figure because he doesn’t shy away from who he is and who he was and he doesn’t try to appear as anything but what he truly is. This is a reason why I admire him, the fact that he speaks his mind and is humble enough to own his flaws and mistakes; however, this is exactly the reason why those who hate him do so. They say he’s ‘crazy’ and spews ignorance and misleads the masses. People are divided.
Take another example; Kim Kardashian. She’s loved and hated by millions around the world. Those who love her do so because she’s fashionable and business savvy and famous; those who hate her do so because she’s famous without merit and they find her public persona fake and airheady.
What you might discern is that people judge someone based on one of two things; their public persona and how they carry themselves ( by action and speech) or the intention behind their (perhaps quirky) demeanour. So you can have four possible outcomes in judging a person;
- You hate them → because of their contradictory energy [ inauthenticity]
or → because you project a trait you hold within yourself but that you suppress, onto them. [ projection]
- You love them → because they are not a threat to your mask [ inauthenticity]
or →because their inner energy and outward appearance are congruent. [authenticity]
People judge others the way they judge themselves; if they are honest with themselves and willing to take the painful journey within, then they would not judge at all, but simply relate. If, however, they are dishonest with themselves by trying to avoid the discomfort of consciousness and hard truths, then they continue that avoidance by looking outwards for distraction. Because they are running away from their feelings, they fail to relate to another person and see them for who they are. They view the world and all that’s in it through the lens of usefulness; the fear of pain forces them to use others as an escape route.
- Relate to themselves first, then the outward world.
- Because of the congruence between their true self and public self, they embrace uncomfortable truths and look danger in the eye. They gravitate toward people of similar mindset with whom they can grow and explore.
- Are shut off from themselves so cling on to external sources in a bid to quell discomfort. They are those who become attached to people and things fairly quickly, who can’t stand solitude, and who feel compelled to control the outside world because of a sense of inner chaos; this might be in the form of perfectionism, goal-obsessions, image-control, eating disorders, sociopathic tendencies, etc.
- Because of the gross incongruence between the self they try to bury and the purported self, they live life guarding that battle. They gravitate towards people who they can use, control, or fawn over while secretly envying them.
Basically, those who are looking for authenticity look behind the facades, whilst those who are looking for validation of the incongruence of their true self and public self, look for similar facades.
Ultimately, whatever one hates or love in another, is simply a reflection of oneself. Whatever one hates in another person is something one hates and rejects within oneself; whatever one loves in another is something one appreciates within oneself.
When one has become emotionally aware by overcoming the innate narcissistic tendency, one sees the world and every person objectively, without imposing one’s own projections and opinions on the object.
“The faculty to think objectively is reason; the emotional attitude behind reason is that of humility. To be objective, to use one’s reason, is possible only if one has achieved an attitude of humility, if one has emerged from the dreams of omniscience and omnipotence which one has as a child. Love, being dependent on the relative absence of narcissism, requires the developement of humility, objectivity and reason.
I must try to see the difference between my picture of a person and his behavior, as it is narcissistically distorted, and the person’s reality as it exists regardless of my interests, needs and fears.”
— Erich Fromm (The Art of Loving)