When I’m torn between something I want to do, and regard for the reactions my actions would likely spark, I freeze. I don’t want to give in, and I haven’t yet learnt how to not give a shit. Muscles tensed. Jaws clenched. Teeth gritted. Alert. It’s like my body is squeezing itself. I become sleepy. Sleep is the best I can do. When I’m asleep, I don’t need to think or confront or be scared. I can’t be intruded upon and no one can hurt me there. Sometimes when I’m using sleep as escapism, I can stay in bed for days. I’d only wake up for the 5 daily prayers, and take atarax and tramadol to relax my muscles and make me drowsy so that I can sleep again.
In my dreams I’m much stronger and safer. In my dreams my world never threatens to cave in on me.