When I’m torn between something I want to do, and regard for the reactions my actions would likely spark, I freeze. I don’t want to give in, and I haven’t yet learnt how to not give a shit. Muscles tensed. Jaws clenched. Teeth gritted. Alert. It’s like my body is squeezing itself. I become sleepy. Sleep is the best I can do. When I’m asleep, I don’t need to think or confront or be scared. I can’t be intruded upon and no one can hurt me there. Sometimes when I’m using sleep as escapism, I can stay in bed for days. I’d only wake up for the 5 daily prayers, and take atarax and tramadol to relax my muscles and make me drowsy so that I can sleep again.

In my dreams I’m much stronger and safer. In my dreams my world never threatens to cave in on me.

One response to sleep

  1. The problem is, the longer you stay in a secure, safe place, the more you lose your “muscles” for dealing with the other places. Like an astronaut too long in orbit — your muscles become too weak to fight gravity.


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