My head is running wild again

Sunset and clouds

***

I fight myself. I fight my resistance, my procrastination. I fight my pain in a bid to silence it. I run on autopilot. Old habits run deep. Yes, that is a portmanteau of two different sayings – I like to live dangerously 😉

I’m not as self-aware as I’d like to be. I still misinterpret signals from my intuition and react instinctively, as I’ve done for years. Or rather, as I’ve learnt from mum to do; attack,suppress,silence.
I find myself resisting exercise, resisting reading the books I really want to read, procrastinating, unable to focus. It’s boggled me for a while now; why am I resisting things I love? What’s hindering me?

After an in-depth introspection that involved journalling, I realized my mind was infested with forceful orders that I barked at myself. It was automatic, so I couldn’t hear it unless I knew what to listen out for. A toxic state of have-to’s and scolding. I got things all wrong. I had approached things assuming that I didn’t know what was good for me. But I know, deep down. The lists and orders only bring pain. Some issues I can’t solve right away, I need to grow in them. And that’s fine. I want to be who I am for now without the constant feeling of disappointment and wishful thinking. It’s so relieving to not have to brace myself for self-battering. It’s so comforting to know that my already frail self-esteem won’t be broken apart by self-criticism. Goals and ambition are no longer words that trigger panic. My mind is no longer a battlefield, my heart – no longer a cemetery where dreams go to die before they are even born.

Peace.

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