The perpetual investigator

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I was bullied for years as a kid. I purposely made myself meek in the face of bullies because I feared my own strength. There was nothing I’d rather do than unleash my wrath on them, and I usually did so after a long period of build-up, but I was made to fear my own power from a young age. I was taught that the consequences of using my strengths would destroy me and I could not withstand it. So I came to fear the unknown consequences of voicing my concerns, of channeling my anger, of expressing my sadness. I thought that something bad would befall me, that I would not be able to bear the brunt of retaliation. So I made myself small and established a habit of refuting my strength. I would not hit back for fear of things spiralling out of control. I’d take that one punch, that scolding by my parents, that unfair treatment by teachers, because that was the lesser evil. I let things happen to me if that meant that I could remain passive and hidden.

I thought I feared others and that’s why I learnt to withdraw. But if I did fear others, would I think about withdrawing and being unassuming? No. I didn’t fear others at all. And the occasional burst of pent-up rage proved this. I think I feared myself. I thought the world would break me so I receded into my own as a measure of safety, vowing to emerge only when I have figured “it” out. The “it” being the unknown consequences, the retaliatory punishment life would mete out.

I’m still governed by that fear. I hoard my energy and am undemanding of others so that the same can be afforded to me. I believe I’m not as strong as others. I lead a minimalistic lifestyle because keeping tabs on stuff drains me. I’m detached and aloof. I fear the world is an overly obtrusive and demanding one, and so I’m always on guard. Basically, I feel I’m mentally weak and act as such. I think about worst-case scenarios and prepare for those so that in the event of it happening, I wouldn’t be caught off-guard. I didn’t know this about myself; I didn’t know how overly private and aloof I am. I had no idea. And it’s not because I don’t want to- I fear being overwhelmed. By others, by the depth of myself- my emotions,thoughts,brilliance even.

I amass knowledge because it makes me feel safe. I often become a theoretical expert on things even before starting as an amateur. Knowledge gives me safety, but I also use it as an excuse to not act. That’s one thing I realized this year; I’d amass all these theories and read extensively, yet I’d fear that one step.

I’m lazy. I don’t know anyone lazier than me; maybe the dead? I guess when you live inside your head all your life, physical activity isn’t so attractive huh? 😀

I have a feeling that this is one thing that is going out the window in 2015. All my aims revolve around taking that first step, and it freaks me out!  😮

5 responses to The perpetual investigator

  1. I did the same thing (take punches without retaliation), fearing i would destroy the other person with my reaction. I was taught to fear my own strength and i did. I thought it was best if i got hurt for no reason than to injure someone else by simply standing up for myself. That learned behavior can and should be undone. I’m working on it. I have begun to look at the brilliance of my own power and feel excited about it instead of horrified. Sometimes i still choose not to speak and that is ok. It’s now my choice and that is a beautiful change.

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    • Blues Fairy – Author

      Is it an INFJ thing I wonder?
      If we had a superpower I think it’d be invisibility (and perhaps invincibility?) because we see behind personas and intents, and can anticipate their next moves. Wadya think?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. That’s kind of the thing about having a “rich inner life” — the external world seems less interesting or engaging. There’s an old expression: “The longest journey begins with a single step.” (And then another and another. Even small steps — so long as you keep walking — will get you there. Faith in yourself, and just keep walking! 🙂 )

    (I absolutely should have been bullied in school, but never really was. Something about the way I carried myself? I’ve never known.)

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