This year has been incredibly progressive and successful for me. It was in February when I decided to leave university studies to deal with my mental health – something I tried – and failed- suppressing via perfectionistic ideologies and ambitions throughout the years. This is the year I buried the hatchet with myself and accepted myself. With my amazing therapist, biweekly sessions ( as in, twice a week) and endless hours tapping away at my laptop in the dark and comfort of my room in search for educative psychology materials, I reinvented myself. To me, this would not have been possible had it not been for Allaah, the deity and creator I worship. The cues and lightbulb moments did not arise from my non-knowledge, if that makes sense.
This year I took quantum leaps and really risked myself. I failed, cried, but gained myself back. The self that had been assigned to a box in the corner of my soul, sealed with a tape that read ” here lies shame, do not open under any circumstances. Shoot to kill upon sight.” Not literally of course, but you must know by now how I use highly abstract language in this blog, not to sound in a certain way, but because I think in images. Speaking of blog…
After 7 years of false starts and being a wishful spectator of the blogosphere, I finally stuck with my blog. It’s eccentric and random, just like me. It changes themes and colours as I change. I’m proud of the imperfection I achieved.
This year…I found serendipity. I never hoped for any good outcome. All I knew was that I had to dive into the dark abyss that is me, with the worst-case scenario in mind. But the exponential growth rate of my being knocked any estimations of my abilities out cold. Every day of this year has been full of flow,contemplation,and discoveries.
And this year is the first time I have a new year’s resolution. Not because I planned to, it just happened; the chips fell this way 🙂 . This isn’t a check-list resolution I’m threatening myself with, rather it’s something that evolved naturally and it’s an intrinsic desire.
The overarching theme of the resolution is self-care. To be specific, it entails:
- Putting myself first and learn to enjoy my companionship. Learn how to be comfortable with my thoughts and silence.
- Investing in my health that has deteriorated terribly in recent years. This involves complete health check-ups, educating myself on nutrition and exercise, and learn about my body and how it works, in general.
- Weaning myself off my anti-depressants ( with the supervision of my doctor, as is imperative). It’s been amazing aid and I don’t know why I waited years before I realized that I couldn’t do it by myself, but I feel stable enough to live without it, since I worked through some of the underlying issues.
- Develop efficient emotional/mental healthcare in the form extensive education on emotion regulation and distress tolerance. This is an area that I’m not so knowledgeable in, and this is not good because emotion regulation and pain tolerance is imperative in building a resilient mindset. I’ve looked into DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy) which was developed for borderline personality disorder sufferers, and though I don’t suffer from this condition, it really resonated with me.
- Read books! I used to finish 7-8 books a week when I was younger – then depression hit, and threw the books out the window. So now, I’m going to finish the books I have at home first before I go buy new ones ( though I already cheated by ordering 3 new books!), and then use this list to replenish my book-deprived soul. I want to read as much as I can on the things that interest me such as psychology,philosophy,neuroscience,palaeoarchaeology but also fiction, poetry and literary fiction.
- Get a driver’s license – körkort- and then buy a car!
- Take a roadtrip down to my hometown,Växjö ( Vek-sho). I haven’t been there since we moved here, Gothenburg, in 1997!It’s a 3 hour drive. This is going to be the highlight of my life! I can’t wait!! *mental squeals* 😛
- Be more involved with my baby nephew A.J. who is 13 months now! 🐻
- Be more involved and present with people around me. Afford them my attention,care, and silence so they can talk.
I’m really looking forward to how this is going to play out. I’m sure I’ll tweak some of the details of my resolution, but it all boils down to self-care, even if all I do next year is be kinder with myself for lack of achievements! 🙂
So, want to share some of your thoughts on this year, or how about telling me about your take on the concept that is New Year’s Resolutions? Why do people wait till January 1st, and is this really effective? 😕