Flawful

My biggest obstacle in sharing my thoughts and ideas in the open, in this blog, is comparison. Or more specifically, I feel I’m the only one who struggles with finding the right words that aren’t too fancy yet not too simple, either, because I want to appear smart and suave. Or what to write to garner the most engagement like blogger X. I find that I become more concerned about my image than my message. When I slip into this mindset – and it’s a reactionary and passive mindset- I become disconnected from myself and from my heart that otherwise dictates what and when I should write. I only write – and I can only write- when passion moves me, when something within me is stirred such that it grips my attention, and compels me to write. In those moments, I don’t care about grammar, or flowery language or whether people will read it or not. All I care about in that moment is that this river of energy moves from within me through my fingers as they scurry across the keyboard. All I seek is that. Any subsequent external validation does not ,quite frankly, do much for me.

However, when I’m disconnected or I feel jealous when reading others’ blogs with lively comments’ sections and likes, and whatnot, and I start to crave validation, I try to write something captivating, something riveting that would attract that orange star that tells me that someone has read it and liked it. In other words, I write, not because I have a compelling passion to do so, but because I feel empty and I’m using a stale piece of writing to lure people in. In most instances, I can’t write at all. I feel paralyzed by the pressure to perform and the what-ifs that don’t exist when I normally write for intrinsic reasons. And if I do manage to put something witty together, I always feel emptier afterwards, even if I gain the views and comments I wanted. I feel that something in me got extinguished, and that is worse than the initial frustration of feeling disconnected.

I think something that I see lacking in the blogosphere is vulnerability. All too often, we get fixated on sharing only the good,and the more difficult times come and go quietly and it’s simply not written about, for whatever reason. But I feel vulnerability and sharing those moments that makes us hesitant to share for fear of seeming a certain way is very crucial for both the writer and the reader. It’d bring people together and elicit a sense of warmth and compassion when we realize that it’s not so bad to be transparent and authentic, flaws and all, and in fact it’s when we are open and self-accepting of our flaws that we can truly grow.

This is something I try to do from time to time. I often post my rough drafts that are probably awash with mistakes and raw moments when I feel shitty, because I want to connect to that one person who’d read it and say ‘she’s either whack or brave, but either way it’s comforting to see that I’m not struggling because I’m weak, I’m struggling because I’m human, as is she’. At the end of it all, what you’ll gauge me with isn’t my words or my layout, but the invisible energy that glues it all together; that’s how we communicate essentially, through intuition and that feeling you can’t put a finger on when you connect with others you are drawn to.

Hey, how about we start a movement à la AA-style. We’ll call it Imperfects Anonymous😛

So I say,

Hello, my name is Mulki and I’m a flawed human being

(and that is alright.) ❤

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