leave me be

I’ve been duped. I grew up thinking there was a set of rules I had to follow to be part and parcel of society. I thought that somewhere there was a committee of sorts that set out the parameters of what was right and anything that fell outside it was to be shunned. This was something passed down to me tacitly via mother’s ‘you ought to behave like this’ and father’s  ‘ it’s wrong to do this’. With the years, magazine article and tv-shows took over the role of dictating to me the rules of life. I tried to follow and adjust, but soon enough it dawned on me that the plethora of ,often contradictory ,do’s and don’ts were utter nonsense written by people making a living out of my cluelessness. My identity- or rather the lack thereof- was being thrown hither and thither like a dead leaf in the October wind by the din and nauseous clamour emitted by high-sounding self-help materials. More like self-helplessness. All the dog-eared books I stayed up at night ramming into my brain and all the articles that for some reason always had success bullet-pointed in odd numbers like 9 reasons you suck or 31 ways to be someone else , turned out to be desultory B.S. What I thought was age-old profound truth turned out to be derivative psychobabble.

There was no show. There was no cheering crowd at the end of the finishing line that’d induct me into the circles of those who made it. No elixir, no accolades, no self esteem.All the diets,fashions and social etiquettes were only meant as smoke screens to hide the fact that there was no one beneath the mask. It was all a lie. My life was a lie.