I’m *not* in denial, You are!

I hate solitude and I fear intimacy. For a long time I couldn’t figure out the reason behind this apparent oxymoron. Imagine my heart being a haunted house; I’m scared of the evil that lurks behind doors and under stairs, so I need to make a lot of clamour and noise to drown this fear. To make myself forget this fear. I invite people over,but I tell them we can’t move past the kitchen. I don’t want them to go to the scary nooks and crannies that I invited them to avoid in the first place. But it gets tricky because I can’t really tell them that I’m scared of my own house, right? And what do I tell them when they want a house tour? Perhaps go to the bathroom? Or worse; sleep over??

Now I’m really in a tough position, between a scary and an awkward place. I start becoming agitated because they are defeating the purpose of their visit! Their purpos–

Ah yes… I didn’t think that one through, the purpose thingy. It’s not manipulation, is it? Nah, I wouldn’t…I wouldn’t say that because ,you know, I mean, I like these people, it’s not like I don’t. I just don’t want to go to certain places of my house. I don’t want them to leave either, because, you know, I’d feel guilty for having made them uncomfortable? Yeah, no, you see it’s nothing like manipulation! What’s that?Oh, yeah I did invite them because initially I was scared, but still, they don’t know that right? 😐

Urgh. I’m not getting away with this, am I? I feel so rotten. All these complications because of those darn things that lurk everywhere! You know what, I got it! 💡The problem is this house, so if I move- problem solved! Duh! Why didn’t I think about this earlier? Haha.

My fear? My fear isn’t the issue, I mean I’m scared because it’s haunted, you know? 😕 I mean, I’m not a scaredy-cat or anything. Last house I lived in before this one was in a bad neighbourhood, like bad bad. Killers and rapist roaming the streets at night, you know? Yeah, scary stuff. I didn’t really encounter any, but, you know, I’d hear dudes making noise at 2 am down the street. They sure were up to something.

No, no, I’m really not speculating. The world’s a creepy place, you know? So yeah. I’ll call up the real estate guy first thing in the morning. Gotto find a safe place, remote but not too remote. Big, nice house. Mm, not too big, I mean that’d be creepy. And not too nice, I wouldn’t want to attract robbers, you know? Seeing I live by myself and all. Oh, I’ll have to make new friends now! Aww… :(. Will miss the ones I have. But oh well. Such is life right?

Do I keep in touch with old neighbours? Naah, not really. What’s the point? I mean, we aren’t neighbours anymore, and I always find new ones. I’m too busy to keep in touch.

Huh?I what?What the…!? I am NOT! I’m not using them! Gosh! Geez. What’s with the wild allegations? No, that’s not it. I mean, they don’t keep in touch with me either. Urgh, why are you trying to insinuate that I’m shallow? Why are you making this about me? Why can’t you just believe me ?

Fearful- you say I’m fearful? I am not, mister. Really? Fearful? My goodness. And how does that make me shallow?

Oh, so now I | i m a g i n e |danger huh? Who do you think I am? A lunatic? C’mon! No, that’s not it. There’s an explanation for it all. You know what? I don’t need this bullshitting in my life. You are constantly in my ear, doubting everything I say and tryna confuse me with that psychobabble. You know what Dr. Phil – take your armchair elsewhere. I’m done with you.  😡

* Mental note: intuition.


3 responses to I’m *not* in denial, You are!

  1. Nice metaphor! Sounds like you need to call in the remodelers (and maybe the Ghostbusters). 🙂

    I’ve long had a somewhat similar metaphor (minus the ghosts — hadn’t thought of that!): The USA White House and various castles in England and Europe. They have a set of public rooms that admit frequent tours, but they also have a set of private rooms where the family or caretakers live. My public rooms are open to all — they’re neat and safe for visitors. The private rooms only admit friends, and only progressively as they gain trust.

    The thing that happens (a lot) is that people find the public rooms very pleasing, but once they begin to explore the entire castle… seems like one room or other — and it’s often just one room — puts them off and they decide the castle wasn’t worth visiting after all (despite being okay, even in love with, most of the rooms).

    And, of course, all the rooms are real — there’s no fakery — but we all have our private rooms and public rooms. The trick seems to be finding those who can accept the whole structure.


    • Blues Fairy – Author

      It’s funny, but I never thought about ghosts once writing that! Bizarre.

      Interesting concept. You * must* be an INTP 😛
      But I digress… You say some become disappointed once given full access. But these were the ones who spent time admiring the decor and paintings whilst in the public room, not interested in the host. So perhaps the ‘trick’ would be to find people who aren’t attracted to the castle but are intrigued by its owner?


      • I can’t remember if I’m an INTP or an INTJ, but the INT_ is right on.

        To be clear, the public rooms don’t refer to my physical aspect or any false front I present. They’re genuine parts of my personality. My love of baseball, my musical background and tastes, my interest in science and philosophy.

        The private rooms are parts of me that over time I’ve learned put off other people. I’m highly analytical and can come off critical and pedantic — those things are backed by love and a desired for excellence in me and others, but that doesn’t always come across.

        I think we’re maybe all like this to one degree or other, but some folks seem to have a lot more rooms — and more diverse rooms — than others. Some people, their castle can be explored in weeks or months. Others, it takes a lot longer.

        And it depends somewhat on how many locked, or stuck, or guarded, doors there are! :\


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