〈serial soliloquies〉

Blank. That’s how I feel about this.  :-/

We had a general election this year in Sweden. And after a whole two months, the government collapsed. Something about the coalition government not agreeing on a budget. I don’t even bother to understand what’s going on, to be honest. I have a confession to make. It’s going to sound hella harsh. But I don’t feel I belong here. Just thinking about my childhood brings tears to my eyes. It’s so painful because I love Sweden so darn much, but the culture…And I just read that the ultra-right Sweden Democrats have proposed a motion that says Swedes should be categorized according to ethnic backgrounds. It’s not even about Swedes and non-Swedes; it’s anyone with at least one immigrant parent, even if they themselves were born here. So, in this proposed motion, I’d be categorized as ‘immigrant’ even though I was born and bred here. This echoes the anti-semitic Nuremberg Laws in Nazi-Germany 1935, where people were classified as German if they had four German grandparents, and non-German (hence deprived of citizenship) if any grandparent weren’t ‘pure-blooded’ Germans.

I’m actually sick of this. I had a dream some days ago that I was refused my Swedish citizenship and I said fuck it, I’m going to Australia. I grew up with the constant reminder that my skin-tone and hair colour made me different, that I was less of a Swede than the kids my age because they were fairer than me. I grew up in a segregated neighbourhood as ‘immigrants’ and Swedes don’t live in the same neighbourhoods. Of course, there’s no official law that prevents this, but it’s notorious that landlords would reject people with foreign sounding names because that would be detrimental to the real estate value. It’s tacitly believed that immigrants are criminals. Hence the motion to classify.  😡

Most Swedes are very mellow and polite. I find they are the politest in all of Scandinavia, and try their best to be politically correct. However, the flip side of this is passive-aggressiveness that when suppressed long enough can turn into bitter resentment which is now being taken advantage of by the fascist Sweden Democrats party.

I love Sweden for its nature and reclusive culture. If Sweden were an MBTI type, I’d classify it as ISFP. I’ve lived in Kenya and Egypt, and let me tell you, that was more than enough a lesson for me to learn that populous and loud societies is my kryptonite. I need nature. I need it to recalibrate myself. Did I mention that 70% of Sweden is covered in forest? Yeah. 70%. That means less people, less crowding, fresher air,  more nature. An HSP’s paradise. My best childhood memories were when I was in the nature; hiking with dad ( I got this love for nature from my pops! :P) school trips, smell of summer breeze…  🙄

I’m so upset because I don’t know any other country in my heart. It’s not even about nationality or patriotism; I don’t care much about arbitrary boundaries but my soul is comfortable here. Nowhere else but here. I was gone for 8 years and in those years I’d have recurring dreams about my old school. My soul kept tugging at me to remember Sweden. In those 8 years, I never knew peace, not even once. Until I came back. It was a mixture of nostalgia,deja vu, and the relief of coming home after spending a week with strangers. I can’t quite explain.

I just want to belong. I grew up with an identity crisis because I wasn’t really a Somali, nor was I fully accepted as a Swede. I’d be told to ‘go home’, and the elder Somalis would look down upon me for being a first generationer, as if that made me less ‘real’. In fact, they wouldn’t shy away from saying that my ilk are spoilt airheads. I grew up with my books and imagination. That was the only place I could go and not get questioned.

Here are pics, btw, of my lovely neighbourhood;

Photo Credit: Biketommy

Spårvagn 9 på Hjällbos hållplats, Göteborg 2011

Trams are the most common form of transport, here in Gothenburg.

Above is a 2000 year old stone circle graveyard from early iron age. Real vikings are buried in there, and the stone circle also served as some sort of meeting place/court.  I’ve sat on those stones, and it’s hella eerie, if I may say so. I wonder what happens at midnight :mrgreen:

I needed this off my chest. Thanks for reading my erratic ramble. ^^’

6 responses to Blank

  1. It looks, in many regards, like Minnesota (where I live). Despite being on the outskirts of the largest urban area in the state, there’s farmland and forest nearby. Winters are tough, but we’re hardy! 🙂

    An irony for me reading your post is that Sweden has long been upheld in USAnian arguments about “what’s wrong with America” as being a superior country in which to live.


    • Blues Fairy – Author

      How bizarre you mention Minnesota. It’s known as the secondary capital of Somalia 😀
      I have dozens of relatives there, and yes, I’m well-acquainted with the harsh winter that makes ours more bearable in comparison.

      Why do you find it ironic?Because of the racism?


      • Yes, there are many who live here who came from Somalia. I can only imagine what they must think of our winters!

        Sweden often came up in “the USA sucks” conversations because — supposedly — the suicide rate in Sweden was so much higher than in the USA (implying that Sweden wasn’t all that great, either).

        Wikipedia informs me that, while the rate is just barely higher enough to rank it 34th to the USA’s 35th, the difference is insignificant.

        For me, though, as a child of Norwegian parents, it was more the bland food. 🙂

        Do the Swedes eat lutefisk? Wretched stuff, that!


  2. Hello, i like your post, its very interesting, and i do think this feeling of uncertainty in relation to identity is common and relatable to some degree with most immigrants and especially kids of immigrants. it is sad what is happening in sweden since i am a swedish citizen but what surprised me the most is seeing pictures of where i grew up on wordpress. it was a quite lovely place to grow up. up until that is you realise what is going on, like how you could meet people from almost the whole world in ur neighbourhood except funnily enough the natives whom were represented by the people working in the shops, the library or hjällbo bostad, the people responsible for housing. plus the lack of opportunites hits you all of a sudden as well. but up until the age of around 12 when u dont have a care in the world it was a wonderful place for me at least.


    • Blues Fairy – Author

      Maalin wacan oo wanaagsan! 😀
      You’re the first Swede to comment, which is interesting because I don’t see many of us on the blogosphere.

      Yes, I do concur with you that as a child you live in blissful ignorance of the rampant evil in society, and I too had an amazing childhood.

      Do you still live here?


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