Things I’ll never say

MIDNIGHT THOUGHTS & THUNDERS

 〈serial soliloquies〉

 


I don’t remember the last time I’ve been this sad. Angry,anxious,annoyed- yes. But sadness is something I almost forgot how it felt. It weighs heavy on me and everything within me is silent. My otherwise restless and bustling mind is at a stand still. I’m transitioning, I’m mourning.

An event that happened today made me realize I have no family. It’s been coming a long way since my childhood, this broken narcissistic family structure where we live as strangers with one another, but ever since my recovery from codependence and other traumas, I’ve been silently ostracized. I’m ‘always right and everyone else is always wrong’, I’m ‘lazy’,’manipulative’,’arrogant’. Though I managed to repel these projections, my siblings absorbed them and I didn’t recognize them anymore. I saw how they had changed towards me and I could see the image they had of me in their eyes. They started to ignore me more and make snide remarks like ‘ you are always like this’ or ‘ so typical of you’. I guess it’s all part of the game, having others turned against me to make me cave in. But I’m mourning and grieving the fact that I feel so darn lonely right now. Even though I’m in a family of 8, I have only connection to my sister and my baby nephew.

Something interesting happened in the depths of my despair. When I accepted this harsh reality, I saw hope. It motivated me to make it out on my own and be my own cheerleader. Yes, I was completely lonely, but I’d rather be alone in this than to be weighed down by naysayers. I wonder what would happen if I tried to deny this reality in a bid to cling to the illusion of togetherness and warmth? I’m not sure. But I’m glad that I’m able to be sad and grieve because I wouldn’t want to carry around the corpse of my feelings. I want to grieve, give it a proper burial, and move on.

6 responses to Things I’ll never say

  1. You’re winning just by realizing that ‘it’s all part of the game’. See this sadness as a test; if you don’t cave in, if you stand strong then you succeed. To allow sadness to effect us helps it to grow. Simply allow it to wash over you and not bother you. It can be quite calming and as you said, still, if you allow it release in this way 🙂

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  2. My family told me no one there is admitting to my fathers abuse. I was the oldest,,isolated and at my fathers critical mercy. My family disowns me or acts like I a, nuts for telling the truth about my abuse.

    Funny thing, the last two inductions of mine into my college and high school. Hall of fame (baseball) my family went, accepted the trophy and kept it. My life is to make the families stature to be as perfect as possible.

    You can be happy without the crap they bring to your life. I finally let my dad and all my family be responsible for their lives and I placed my energy on taking responsibility for my life.

    It is a transition but we can not change the flow of life or a river. Happiness is still available to you.

    It is ok to be depressed, angry or whatever. Mexperince all that emotion, then let the storyline go, come back to now and live life, yours not theirs.

    My opinion.

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    • Blues Fairy – Author

      Sorry for the belated reply. I get so forgetful when under duress. I have to say, coming from such a troubled background to helping others out by blogging and providing resources, is truly admirable. And dare I say, it was never in vain if even one person finds solace in your works. Thanks for sharing this 🙂

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      • Thank you, Life is meant for us to accept ourselves, flawed as we may be, totally and the situation we find ourselves living right now.

        Is it not our challenge to endure ,,then thrive then help others

        I have just found that gratitude, helping others heals and brings happiness to my life.

        Great blog

        Like

      • Oh viewers have healed, improved and in person I am now running a mindfulness group for NAMI

        My abuse has turned into inspiration action for,others

        Liked by 1 person

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