MIDNIGHT THOUGHTS & THUNDERS
I don’t remember the last time I’ve been this sad. Angry,anxious,annoyed- yes. But sadness is something I almost forgot how it felt. It weighs heavy on me and everything within me is silent. My otherwise restless and bustling mind is at a stand still. I’m transitioning, I’m mourning.
An event that happened today made me realize I have no family. It’s been coming a long way since my childhood, this broken narcissistic family structure where we live as strangers with one another, but ever since my recovery from codependence and other traumas, I’ve been silently ostracized. I’m ‘always right and everyone else is always wrong’, I’m ‘lazy’,’manipulative’,’arrogant’. Though I managed to repel these projections, my siblings absorbed them and I didn’t recognize them anymore. I saw how they had changed towards me and I could see the image they had of me in their eyes. They started to ignore me more and make snide remarks like ‘ you are always like this’ or ‘ so typical of you’. I guess it’s all part of the game, having others turned against me to make me cave in. But I’m mourning and grieving the fact that I feel so darn lonely right now. Even though I’m in a family of 8, I have only connection to my sister and my baby nephew.
Something interesting happened in the depths of my despair. When I accepted this harsh reality, I saw hope. It motivated me to make it out on my own and be my own cheerleader. Yes, I was completely lonely, but I’d rather be alone in this than to be weighed down by naysayers. I wonder what would happen if I tried to deny this reality in a bid to cling to the illusion of togetherness and warmth? I’m not sure. But I’m glad that I’m able to be sad and grieve because I wouldn’t want to carry around the corpse of my feelings. I want to grieve, give it a proper burial, and move on.