I had a very traumatic episode this morning that revealed a big part of me that I’ve never noticed before. I had to take 2 Atarax pills before I could sit down to write this post, because I was still reeling from said trauma. Let me elaborate.
I’ve always had a vague sense that I was a creature of routine and systems, as an INFJ and a highly sensitive person (HSP). But it wasn’t something I could put into words or explain, it was just something I felt. Before I became comfortable in my own skin and learnt how to assert and defend my boundaries, my life was a complete mess ( more about that here). People couldn’t understand my feelings, heck I couldn’t even understand them, so my perfectionists tendencies coupled with my aversion for conflict had a disastrous effect on my mental and physical health. I was constantly agitated,anxious,sick,drained- I was numb and had to shut down to survive.
So to the traumatic episode; there was a huge internet outage in Gothenburg since early Tuesday morning that was said to take until Thursday afternoon to fix.
For a while I was ok, I read almost two books, organized my chaotic files on almost 2 year-old laptop and slept fairly early. I woke up at 3 a.m. and I started to get very impatient. I continued reading books but I felt myself tensing, and I had to check the internet status every 30 minutes. By 6 I was having what I thought was withdrawal symptoms of my apparent internet addiction. By the time it started working again at 7.30 a.m., I nearly broke down instead of being relieved! I had a brain fog and was clearly very shaken. 😥 It took me a good hour to get my brain up and running when I thought ‘hey wait a minute, this is bigger than the internet outage’. Turns out it was. My routine had been disrupted and that threw me off my tracks. I started ‘mapping’ the extent of routine in my life, and I discovered that routine in my life is akin to tetonic plates that makes up the sub-layer of the earth’s crust and whose interactions cause continental drifts,earthquakes,volcano-and mountain-formations,amongst other things.
Any sudden change, and my whole being is thrown into chaos and pandemonium. I realized that I always take a certain route when I’m going somewhere, I always shop in the same place, eat the same foods,sit the same way. I always tell my family to inform me of tasks they want me to do a day ahead. I take a long time warming up to new concepts, and I have to research a lot on every single aspect of a change I want to make. It can take me years to transition. But once I’ve furnished and laid the foundation for my mental landscape, I move extremely fast.
It’s very hard for me to make judgments of people. I’m the devil’s advocate with myself. I have to find out the motivation of someone’s actions, their personality,their background, even their childhood for me to be able to make a justified judgement. The same goes for relationships – platonic or otherwise- in that it takes a lot for me to cut ties with people, for I will give them the benefit of doubt to last them a lifetime until I’ve exhausted every possible avenue. When that happens, the notorious INFJ doorslam, you might as well have been a figment of my imagination because I don’t give a shit. I don’t care who it is, no one on the face of this planet can convince me to change my mind about someone I’ve kicked out of my heart. Moving mountains and splitting seas is more viable than getting me to re-admit the person into my life. 😡
Similarly, once I befriend someone, I’m all in. I’m brutally honest and fiercely loyal to the person. I treat my friends like people do their significant others; I don’t let a friendship fade into oblivion or let grievances go unspoken about. I had to let go of a friend I held very dearly because when I confronted her about an issue that had gone on for 2 years, she revealed the nonchalant attitude towards our friendship and I realized how incompatible we were.
I recently switched rooms with my sister, and I kid you not when I say that the move took 7 weeks!! No, this wasn’t to another continent, but under the same fricking roof! First off, it took me 3 weeks to get mentally prepared to even move, and when I finally did accept the change,I only took my essentials with me. I took another month to slowly move my stuff over to my new room and settle in. My sister said I’m like a really old tree with deep roots. For some reason I come to think of Treebeard of Middle-Earth (LOTR) 😀
My theory is that I spend so much time inside my head musing,analyzing,reflecting,experimenting that I need an aspect of my life to be steadfast and stable.
Anyway, if you have an inkling of an idea of what my ‘tetonic-plates-collision’ is, please please do comment below. I need all the information I can get on this because it would make my life so much easier as I can adapt to my innate temperaments. In addition to being an INFJ and HSP, I also have low latent inhibition, if that has an effect. Yeah, talk about sensitivity!
n.b. for you word-lovers out there, the french phrase venez m’aider in the title means ‘(come) help me’ and it is where the distress signal Mayday is derived from. 😎