You’ve spent years wishing and hoping and loving her. No matter what she called you or how many times she broke up with you, your love didn’t relent. You shared the joy of expecting a child, an amalgamation of both of you forever. For a moment, it seemed that perhaps this child would fix what’s broken in the relationship, perhaps you got off on a wrong footing and now you can start on a clean slate again. Tragically, that bubble burst and she miscarried. Back to square one. In all of this, you were strongly determined to love her and be there for her no matter what. But she kept pushing you away and then reeling you back in. Mind games. You loved her, but everything was a blur. You couldn’t understand why the short-lived peace had to be interrupted by all the drama. You viewed the drama as exceptions, if only you could do things differently, say things differently. But no, the relationship never followed a rational pattern and whichever way you went, there was doom to be found. The abuse and hurt are weighing heavy on you and more than once have you had enough and been ready to walk out. Only…you can’t. You don’t know why. You presume it’s love and indignantly accept that your fate is going to be this.
When it does finally run its’ course, you’re relieved but at the same time your world is turned upside down. You gave that relationship your all, you so desperately wanted her to be the one, but you could only blind yourself so much. Because you don’t know what went wrong, you blame yourself and this blame rips the wound open whenever it’s about to heal. You watch her from a distance, keep in contact in the unlikely event that she does become the one – and you can get back together.
Only, the image you have of this girl is all in your head. She isn’t anywhere near what you portray her to be, and you know it. Love does not hurt and it does not break someone this way. But you wanted love so much that you ‘photoshopped’ her. You enhanced her good traits while erasing or minimizing the bad ones. Everything bad she did was merely consequential; it was either because she was going through a rough time, or you’d said something, or you didn’t say something that you should’ve….
You spend your days and nights editing and correcting ‘her’ and the feelings you have to fit. You’re already in it, and you can’t fathom having to go through the same process with someone else again. So you’ll photoshop her and eventually she will become the perfect image you honed all this time, and you’ll forever be in love.
Other days you spend embroiled in pessimism, indifferently shrugging at the notion of love and soul mates, dismissing it as fairy tales. You oscillate between the two extremes, but somehow the pendulum of your heart seems to miss the middle which is where the truth lies.
So now, your emotions are but a vague memory and you’re ready to move on. Yet, when you’re about to take that one step, all that pent-up frustration and exasperation hits you in the face. How do you know the same won’t happen? How can you make sure it won’t repeat itself? You find yourself casting glances over your shoulders at your ex and think ‘ better the devil you know…’. At least with misery, you’ll know what to expect.
If you don’t value yourself, no one will. Don’t waste your love on someone who doesn’t appreciate or reciprocate it. Be honest. Painfully honest. Life is not composed of days and nights, but moments – raw,turbulent,jovial,mellow, melancholic moments. Rainy nights you can’t fall asleep and you find yourself staring out the window, reflecting. Days that you feel like shit, like you are wading through quicksand with your feet stuck in cement, yet you somehow manage to grit your teeth and make it through, and at the end of it, feel like you’ve conquered a town. Playing with kids. Helping strangers. Exploring the world. Looking in the mirror and not shirking away from seeing your imperfections and vulnerabilities because you realize that the only way to grow is to embrace your flaws.
Life is awfully abrupt so live it fully. Life has a meaning and a purpose and you know it deep down. So search to find.