Midnight Thoughts & Thunder
time: two hours before sunrise
I’ve been sleeping for almost 2 days – give or take. I’m going through some sort of breakdown of an old me, going past a painful stage that has lasted for a little over 2 years and I guess the emotional haboob shut my system down. It’s nice, sleeping off all the stress and pain this part of the journey has afflicted on me. In hindsight, I can see the issue was with me all along and when I was ready to release my fear, I saw the answer right there in front of me. Of course, this is how I pass through each stage; by finding my way out of the maze of fear and I guess this is the gist of the journey; to find what’s not to find what is. Like a game of elimination.
Andrea. She’s a cyber friend I met on a site, and I guess our dark and gloomy pasts made us gravitate toward each other. Like me, she has gone through chronic cycles of mental torment and suicidal tendencies. Last we spoke was a month ago and our conversation was on a very gloomy topic; she had strong suicidal tendencies and I, recognizing the familiarity of that state, tried speaking to her from a place only those who have been on the edge in that way can speak like. I’m dreading the worst,for Andrea, but I’m hoping for the best. Things can swiftly change when you’re balancing on such a thin rim; the slightest gust of wind can make you lose your foothold. Things aren’t as linear as people – those who are strangers to such a darkness – presume it to be. The laws of nature and logic don’t work in that place. You have power when you’re outside its’ thresholds, but once inside, you’re at the mercy of what fate has in store for you, really. You survive by a miracle. Am I being sullen and dismal?Why, yes. I am. Contrary to popular beliefs, avoiding that topic and covering the jagged edges and putrid smells of death with smileys and catchy quotes with picturesque backgrounds that are supposed to evoke a sense of awe; it doesn’t work. It doesn’t f*&^ing work. We [ I’m being a pretentious asshole speaking for all and sundry with such tendencies. but whatevs] are smarter than that; heck that’s why we, our minds, are so downcast. We see more colours and brighter hues than most, but we also see frightening demons and evil dancing in dark oceans not visible to you . We have to live life slacklining way up high; reaching high stations as long as we don’t look downnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn [………..] x_X
I’m sorry for being so morbid. Here’s a happy picture of all things sweet and saccharine. yey.