Yesterday it hit me hard; I’m a bullshit-pacifier. I recovered from perfectionism and landed in the comfy zones between laziness and apathy thinking this was the healthy ideal; this was the moderation that’d relax my worn out mind. I shot down the cognitive dissonance that urged me to get moving and plastered my wounds with self-pity. I’m not going to deny that a part of me was seared and perfectionism singed and I was very wary of going back to the insane mindset that was all I knew growing up, however in doing that I swung the pendulum too far to the other side; apathy.
For some time I’ve questioned my inertia and tried to find out some deep and complex psychological explanation to get me revved up. But yesterday I realized that what I was looking for was a security blanket to hold onto in the confusion that is my life and let the storm sort itself out or sum’n.Yesterday I realized I was a bullshit-pacifier and it felt like being doused with ice-cold water in my sleep.
The bittersweet epiphany was followed by this realization; if you don’t do what you can do, you won’t become who you wish to be.